


Eyes wide open

by jealisa



Series: Is Addison okay? [1]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2020-10-21 07:35:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20689832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jealisa/pseuds/jealisa
Summary: All of a sudden everyone starts questioning how Addison is doing and how she is coping with being in Seattle, did they forget that she was the one who cheated, did they forget that Derek who walked in on her with Mark.Why is everyone so worried about how Addison is doing, they have no reason to.Do they?





	1. Eyes opening

**Author's Note:**

> I am a huge Addek fan, only just walked into the fandom but I love the idea that Addison and Derek end up together, the road may not be straight forwards but it will always have what I consider to be a happy ending for all involved

“Is Addison okay?” Meredith couldn’t help but ask Derek while she was sitting around watching him work.

She was worried about her _ not _ boyfriend wife, the kiss last week didn’t make change the status of their relationship while she had enjoyed the makeup session she had finally come to her senses and pulled away, he was married, he chose Addison, he said he wanted to make it work with his wife.

His wife of eleven years and there Meredith was kissing him, falling back into his arms, if they had been anywhere else apart from the middle of the woods, hell if Doc hadn’t barked when he did they both would have probably had sex right there.

“She’s fine” Derek replied without looking up,

“Really?”

“Yes now pass me the notes again” Derek continued without even acknowledge that someone was worried about his wife, when the silence got too much he finally asked, “Why.”

“Be- because Izzie and George are worried about her” Meredith admitted.

“You interns have more to worry about apart from what how my wife is” Meredith flinched at that, him calling her his wife and why shouldn’t he, she was his wife, she was the mistress however unwilling. “Sorry I just…” Derek began apologising but finding it hard to finish he could exactly say ‘s_ orry for calling Addison my wife’ _ seeing as that was what she was.

“It’s fine, she is your wife.”

“What are Stevens and O’ Malley worried about?”

“I don’t know they won’t tell me, but they’ve been off with me lately.”

“Off with you?”

“If- they won’t say or can’t say, but they are worried about her,” Meredith admitted it didn’t make sense to her either, but they were worried about her _ not boyfriend’s _ wife, so that meant that she was worried about Addison too.

“If they are that bored, I could always tell Bailey to find them something to do….Tell them not to, she probably pulling a prank.”

“Really, you think she has time to do that she is a surgeon.”

“Surgeons aren’t all that,” Derek replied back dismissively, being a surgeon didn’t suddenly make someone a decent human being as Addison had proven.

“Can I have that in writing” Meredith teased. “So she’s okay right?”

“As far as I know, we haven’t had a chance to talk lately.”

Derek had a look on his face that explained exactly what he’d been doing with his wife, which wasn’t talking because he had, he ** used  ** to have the same look when talking about her. 

He was having sex with his wife, which was good, married couples had sex she knew that but yet and still her stomach turned at the idea of Derek and Addison together.

The whole situation was nauseating, so she was dropping it except he said they hadn’t had a chance to talk. “Has she been trying to talk to you?” Meredith asked.

Derek thought about the past two weeks and all his interaction with Addison…. He admitted that there were a couple of times where she had tried to ‘talk to him’ and more than a couple of times when he brushed her off.

“Why are we talking about Addison I have a surgery in less than two hours to perform, concentrate Grey” Derek found himself saying he was her superior, not her friend not now.

“Sorry, Dr Shephred. I’ll start prepping the patient for surgery” Meredith said before not quite storming off, he probably slept with perfect Addison right after kissing her.

x.x.x.x.x

Addison was holding little baby Tucker in her arms, and she refused to hand him back he was just so precious. “How-” she began but stopped herself, that little noise was enough for Bailey to give her her full attention as if to say go on. Clearing her throat, she tried one more time “How did you- thanks Bailey for letting me spend time with him,” she said instead swallowing down her questions, everyone thought she was pretty pathetic already there was no need to open her mouth asking questions and confirming it.

“The pleasure is all mine, thank you I know I just dumped him on you, but the creche were at capacity and-”

“Is okay, I enjoyed myself, he was the perfect gentleman. Anytime you need to feel free to use me” Addison turned around and bumped into Grey and her husband both looking at her, studying her. The sight of them together turned her stomach she was sick and tired of always seeing them together she got it he loved her she thought he was trying to get over her but no he was sneaking off to see her every chance he got pinning her up against a tree, his hands roaming under her shirt like a horny teenager.

“Dr Shepherd” came a very familiar voice causing both her and her husband to turn around. “I meant the ** hot ** doctor Shepherd.”

“Karev” Addison voice told off.

“Funny you think I am talking about you” Alex shot back watching as Montgomery-Sheperd’s lips twitched she was clearly trying not to laugh aloud.

“KAREV!” Derek’s voice came up sounding harsher than his wife had been.

Alex ignored him and focused on the one that actually mattered, his mentor for the week. “I just came to tell you the parents are ready to see us.”

“Okay, thanks and you’ve-”

“Yes counted to ten and everything.”

“Give me a minute to get-”

“They are on your desk I convinced the husband to go get a cup of coffee, so we have at least fifteen minutes” Alex continued knowing she was about to say she needed to go get the notes.

There was no way it would take fifteen minutes to get a coffee in the hospital; there was a machine on almost every floor what with half the staff needing it just to breathe “Fifteen?”

“Yeah, I kinda forgot and told him the nearest coffee cart was on the other side of the hospital” Alex shrugged uncaringly.

“I- I’m not sure if I should thank you or throw you off my service so feel free to stand in the corner saying nothing while I talk to them.”

“Much appreciated” Karev nodded, he had been getting on with Montgomery-Shepherd lately, the woman wasn't so bad once he'd figured out what she wanted from him. She allowed him to push the boundaries a bit, but as so long as he didn't cross the line she was okay.

“If there’s nothing else Bailey” Addison stated handing over the baby. “Bye gorgeous” she threw to baby Tucker before walking off.

“Why are you saying bye I’m coming with you” Karev shot back within seconds of Addison’s statement.

“Strike two Karev” Derek could hear Addison say as she made her way over to her patient leaving him, Meredith, Bailey and her baby behind without a second glance, he was used to her looking back trying to catch his eyes.

His eyes followed her until she turned a corner before he himself turned back to see Meredith studying him; unfortunately, he couldn’t ask what was wrong not with Bailey also giving him a look.

“Tell your wife that I really appreciate what she did for me,” Bailey said, gathering up her paperwork and her bags and walking off.

What?” Derek finally asked

“Nothing we have a patient to see to as well” Meredith gently reminded Derek before moving away.

She hadn’t seen the look on his face before, at least not when he was thinking about his wife, but why should she be surprised Derek chose Addison.

He chose his wife because he loved her, they been married for eleven years known each other for sixteen Meredith hadn’t even known him for a year so she couldn’t be surprised that he was jealous with Karev flirting with his wife… except Derek had been flirting with her, he never stopped, she never stopped him either and there was that kiss, it had been more than a kiss.

x.x.x.x

“Thank you for that” Addison sighed after a six our neo-natal surgery with Alex, she could do this type of surgery with her hands typed behind her back, but there was something about this baby, the parents, the family that made her - she just appreciated Karev’s help in there so much so that she even had him closing up.

“No problem no one should have to see their husband and his mistress walking around like that, I like Meredith and all but-”

“Inappropriate Karev” Addison snapped once she realised that he thought she was thanking him for saving her earlier not because of the surgery.

She was that pathetic that the intern thought- and who could blame him. 

“I’m just saying I get why O’Malley and Izzie have been giving her the cold shoulder.”

“Karev you did good in there so please stop talking before you erase all of the goodwill I am feeling towards you” Addison bit out, and for once Karev seemed to get the hint and actually stopped talking even looking sheepish it probably had something to do with the fact that she had turned green and was feeling dizzy but hopefully she was also getting her message across. “Go check on the parents. Tell them.... be a doctor, half an hour obs and the rest.” Addison stammered out, pushing the door open and walking away. 

It wasn’t a good mentor thing to do leaving her intern to do all the work but Karev could handle it. 

He was a good doctor and she would come back in an hour to check up on everything but first she needed to get to the safety of her office where she could lie down.


	2. A new patient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison deals with a complicated situation involving a new patient.

“Addie wake up,” Derek shook his sleeping wife awake, after yesterday with Meredith talking about Addison not being okay and then her not coming home that night he'd been worried. 

  


“Wh- Karev you.”

  


“It’s not Karev.” Derek snapped coldly pulling his hands away, feeling a wave of newfound anger burning through him erasing any worry he felt.

  


While he'd been thinking about her, she'd been thinking about Karev apparently, at least she didn’t say Mark's name. 

  


“Oh, Derek wh- I was asleep?” Addison asked, looking around confused at waking up on the couch in her office, while she could sleep anywhere she often powered through until she got home or at least to an on-call room. 

  


“So it would seem. We have work.”

  


“What time is it?” She questioned standing up and straightening her blouse, trying to get rid of any wrinkles because God forbid she looked less than perfect Derek thought bitterly. 

  


“Time to wake up and get to work” Derek bit out, even as he was saying it a part of him was telling him to keep it civil, she had just woken up, she hadn’t said anything unwanted, yet here he was trying to start a fight just because she said another's man name while half asleep. 

  


“I - fine thanks for waking me up” Addison responded, putting a stop to her stretches, she really hated sleeping on the couch it messed up her body. 

  


A series of emotion flashed across Derek’s face when as she would say ‘didn’t rise to the bait’ in fact, her husband looked slightly guilty. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.” 

  


Once again Addison surprised her husband by not saying anything she even shrugged her shoulders and side “It’s okay” she _shrugged_.

  


Addison never shrugs, and she doesn’t sleep on couches but more importantly she NEVER just let him have the last words or let him off the hook that easily. 

  


Never. 

  


Maybe Meredith was right to be worried “Are you okay?” Derek asked trailing behind his wife as she got out her ‘night stop’ kit from her bottom drawer: it had a makeup bag full of toothpaste, mini shampoos and conditioner and of course her make up everything she says was needed if she couldn’t get home and still needed to look presentable. Under the makeup bag would be a Black trouser and two different blouses because even if she had to change clothes ‘she needed options’. 

  


“Sorry I missed dinner last night,” Addison said instead sidestepping the question. “I get why you are pissed. I would be too if I spent all night waiting and calling you just to find you sleeping in your office the next morning.”

  


He hadn’t called her, in all his worry and anger he hadn’t even called her to see where she was, he was starting to get why Nancy called him an idiot. “Addison-”

  


“We can rebook it if you like maybe for this weekend. My treat.” Addison offered after all she was the one who missed dinner yesterday.

  


“Sure, that will be nice. Are you okay” Derek asked one more time darting his eyes back to the couch, his anger had well and truly vanished somewhere around the time his wife _shrugged_ her shoulders. 

  


Addison knew what Derek was asking with his questions, he was basically asking if she was dying because like she said before she HATED sleeping on couches. “Let’s talk about it on the weekend. We don’t have to go out, I know how much you hate the fine dining thing.”

  


“I don’t hate it” Derek replied back instead seeing the amused look on Addison's face he clarified. “I don’t love it either, but I don’t **hate** it… seriously is there something going on with you.”

  


“We can talk about it later.”

  


“I have a back to back surgeries all day just tell me.” Derek sighed.

  


“It’s not exactly appropriate for work, we can talk about it later.” Of course, Derek would pick the most inappropriate time to finally be ready to talk to her.

  


“When has that ever stopped you, just say it.”

  


“I saw you kissing Grey last week, you know when you were meant to be walking Doc, that!” Addison clarified, for all she knew they were multiple kisses last week and she’d just saw one.

  


“Have you been following me, Jesus Addie, do you even trust me?”

  


“Seriously do I trust- NO DEREK! I don't, look where trusting you has got me, you’ve been seeing her behind my back. You said you will try! That you wanted some time to get over her and- are you even trying?”

  


“Of course I am but, it’s not easy, I can’t just-”

  


“Do you even know how this makes me feel, forget kissing her and lying to me, you’ve been seeing her behind my back.”

  


“It probably feels about the same as walking in on your wife screwing your best friend!” Derek shot out feeling petty, they wouldn't be in this situation id Addison hadn't slept with Mark, Derek would never have moved to Seattle, he wouldn't have fallen for Meredith, and he wouldn't be struggling with what to do about this entire situation.

  


Addison stayed quiet for a few minutes trying to rein in her temper, this was why she wanted to wait until later on to discuss it, so she didn’t get into a shouting match with Derek for everyone to hear. “No, this feels worse because the difference is I’ve **stopped** seeing Mark unless he’s consulting on one of my cases I _don’t_ see him. You, you are sneaking behind my back and seeing her”

  


“I’m sorry I kissed her and went on walks with her, it wasn't even about that, she needed a friend, I needed a friend.”

  


“Right” Addison shook her head in disbelieve, “Out of the  _hundreds_ of people that work here she’s the _only_ one you can be friends with…. If you wanted to stay with her and continued the affair, you should have just signed the divorce papers and sent me back instead of making me live in a trailer-”

  


“I’m not making you do anything, Addie. I am not, you were the one who decided to come to Seattle, and you moved into the trailer all on your own.”

  


“Can you even admit that Meredith is an affair or do you think it doesn’t count because it’s payback…. If sleeping with Mark makes me an adulterer then you kissing her makes you one too.”

  


“I have-”

  


“Sorry to interrupt Dr Shepherd” came a timid voice belonging to one of the junior nurses who had obviously been selected to play sacrificial lamb. “We have a patient wanting to see you.”

  


“Me or him?” Addison quizzed.

  


“You Ma’am she said-” 

  


“It’s fine, give me twenty minutes to get ready then send them up” Addison dismissed, “You can leave too, we can continue this at home or in therapy.” 

  


x.x.x.x

  


Her ‘patient’ if you could even call her that was a fourteen-year-old you had literally googled OBGYN in Seattle and had ended up getting a bus and two trains to come to see her because she needed an abortion.

  


A fourteen-year-old was sitting in her office begging for an abortion, and Addison felt- it didn’t matter what she felt because there was a fourteen-year-old in tears informing her about how she hadn’t meant to get pregnant, how her brother’s friend had said it wouldn’t happen and that everyone was ‘doing it, so she had to as well’

  


“It’s okay sweetie, just-” Addison was at a loss for words, she didn’t know what to say. “How about we check on the baby, I can, we will, there’s a machine called the ultrasound invented in the fifties it can show us how the baby is doing, and we can go from there.”

  


“Can’t you just get rid of it?” Kasey asked, needing this to be just over.

  


“I-” Addison couldn’t admit that while Kasey gave her consent because she was underage her parents also needed to provide their consent, call it a feeling but she thought if she mentioned that little fact Kasey would bolt. “Just need to make sure everything is okay, we can do it here if you like, or on the ward with other people.”

  


“No, I don’t-” the fact that Kasey didn't want strangers to know about her pregnancy didn't give Addison any confidence in Kasey's parents knowing, the girl had already travelled all this way to come see her instead of going to her nearest hospital to get a termination.

  


“It’s okay… I’ll be right back I just need to get someone to bring the machine to me instead” Addison said forcing a grin onto her face, she hoped it looked reassuring because it felt as stiff as a cardboard box. Slowly closing the door behind her Addison looked round to find Karev, she’d basically ordered him to wait outside her room while she had the ‘meeting’ if she’d known she would have, she would have probably still taken it but asked for a nurse or someone more reassuring than herself be in the room.

  


“Finally, you’ve been ages, can I go now? Because as much fun as-”

  


“Shut up!” Addison hissed cutting him off, “Find a nurse and tell them to contact social services and family liaison and call the police” Addison instructed as soon as Kasey had mentioned her age and the circumstances of her situation Addison just knew this case will involve multiple departments.

  


“Wait seriously? She’s just a kid no more than-”

  


“Fourteen? Yes I know, hence why you need to do what I say, and find Richard tell him he might need to get the hospital lawyers up here, also get me an ultrasound machine and bring it to my office and find me the friendliest nurse we have on staff, I don’t care if you have to pick her up and carry her here I give you permission.”

  


“I-”

  


“Panic after, do what I ask first.”

  


x.x

  


“So Kasey, the baby looks great, very healthy, strong heart-beat and all ten fingers and toes” Addison continued explaining what she could see.

  


“Good, now can we get rid of it?”

  


Addison didn’t so much as respond as hand Kasey a tissue to wipe the gel off her stomach “About that…”

  


“What, what is it.”

  


“Kasey, I have to tell you that I can’t legally perform any procedure on you without your parent’s consent…. You are a minor.”

  


“They can’t find out, I” Kasey didn’t even bother to look to Abigail (the nurse) for help, her sole focus was on Addison. “It’s my body, and I don’t want to go through with this.”

  


“I understand that really I do, but I can’t _help_ you until your parents sign off on this if you could give us your surname or their names it would-”

  


“No!”

  


“Kasey-”

  


“Why did I think a stupid bitch like you could even help, all you care about is wearing fancy clothes and eating your posh food.”

  


Kasey kept on going insulting Addison from her hair to her makeup and clothes to even saying that she should burn in hell, through it all Addison kept calm and took it on the chin because as scared as she felt Kasey was probably feeling a thousand times scared. “Listen to me, if we have their names or their number and they agree I can do the procedure for you. I **will** do the procedure, but they need to agree.”

  


“It’s not their body, and I don’t want it.”

  


“How about we call them to take you home, I can discuss your opinions with them.”

  


“What options there is no other option. They will make me keep it, can't you help? Do it before they come, say you didn't know how old I was. Please” Kasey broke down sobbing into Addison's arm.

  


"It's okay, it's okay, it's all going to be okay." Addison soothed, making false promises

  


x.x.x.x

  


“So, what happened?” Karev asked, taking a seat next to Addison as she knocked back her third straight shot of tequila. He hadn't been allowed into the room being a lowly intern; however, the few times he walked past he heard a lot of raised voices.

  


“The parents came they brought their son and his friend, I punched the rapist piece of shit, and the Keller’s found out that they are about to be grandparents…. They said no to the- I cannot do the operation.”

  


“You punched-”

  


“The lawyers aren’t too happy with me, but the cops are, and so it’s Kasey’s dad and so is Richard... so all in all, I don’t think I’ll be in much trouble.”

  


“So we can’t…”

  


“Perform a procedure on a minor without parental permission even if she wants it? No, we can’t not without losing our licence…. Joe another one.” Addison called out waving her shot glass in the air.

  


“It’s going to be okay.”

  


“Is it? How we have a teen who got- you know it was rape, right?" Addison question switching track "It's still statutory rape, I don't care that he's a minor as well he's older than her, pressured her into having sex, and now Kasey's being forced to keep the child. We have a family dealing with some deep-rooted religious issues regarding pre-marital sex, pregnancy and single mothers then we have an innocent yet to be born child whose mother doesn’t even want it…. If she had lied about her age, I could have just-”

  


“Heard you had a tough day at work,” Mark stated, grabbing the seat on the other side of Addison.

  


“Go away Mark.”

  


“What I’m just-”

  


“Today’s been long, so freaking long with lawyers and cops and social services and rapist and innocent children I don’t want to deal with any more drama.”

  


“What drama, I just came to see how you are. Glad you punch that prick.”

  


“You **are** drama; a walking talking..” She paused to knock back the shot of tequila Joe had handed her “Drama.”

  


“Sorry, you feel that way.” Addison didn't even have to look at his face to know she'd hurt his feelings.

  


“Don’t be offended, I’m drama too; before my patient, I was basically screaming down my ward arguing with Derek so I’m drama too, and I punched someone so more drama.”

  


“Addie…” Mark's voice did that soft, comforting thing that he always did when he wanted Addison to look at him except she didn’t. 

Tonight wasn’t about her, it was about Kasey and her child and social services and... it wasn't about Addison.

  


“No more talking, either one of you, we are just going to keep drinking until I forget about today.”

  


“Fine by me, I’ll get a nice break from your hearing your talk” Karev muttered reaching for his beer.

  


“No talking." Mark agreed "But can I order my drink, or does that break your rule.”

  


“Be quick about it- Hey Joe, can I get some Vodka coke?” Addison called out switching drinks "And something to eat, I don't think I ate today and it’s been a really long day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an ADDEK storyline for any of you whose wondering but unfortunately is not a simple as me just wanting them to be together, they actually have to work through their issues like facing the fact that seeing your girlfriend behind your wife's back is in fact a problem.
> 
> Comment's, reviews, kudos all appreciated.


	3. Airing grievances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek and Addison goes to therapy to air all thier grievances and get the mist polite but effective dismissal of thier lives

Mark walked over with a second cup of coffee for Addison ‘none of the half-fat, all foam, vegan alternative bullshit’ as she called anything that was an espresso shot or black coffee even though she drank it all, she may act like a snob but at the end of the day if you place a cup of coffee in front of her whether it was a latte or even a mocha Addison would drink it.

  


“Go away.” 

  


“Come on now, is that any way to talk to the man who brought you coffee and took care of you last night,” Mark mentioned feeling like she needed a reminder of what a complete gentleman he had been, he even got her a cab to go back to the stupid trailer.

  


“Coffee stays, you leave” Addison amended, her eyes were still glued onto the whiteboard, she only had two surgeries today which was a good thing it meant less sick an expectant mothers and foetuses, but she wanted more, she needed to do something more than just routine Caesarean surgery.

  


She should have fought harder for Kasey yesterday, argued the girl's case, made her parents see that forcing her to give birth to this child was the wrong thing to do especially for the mental well-being of their daughter, but that was yesterday’s problem, today was a brand new day with new possibilities. 

  


Today was the perfect day to implement her idea or at least start making some headway, today was a new day, clean slate and she hadn’t messed up a kids life.

  


“How’s the hand?” Mark continued placing the coffees down and taking her right hand into his turning it over and inspecting for any damage and such.

  


“It's fine, I won’t be doing any surgeries if I thought otherwise.”

  


“It’s okay to be sad about the girl.”

  


“Why are you here?” Addison asked side-stepping the comment and finally tearing her eyes away from the board to look at him, he looked the same, he looked like Mark, happy-go-lucky Mark who was always there for her and wanted to _fix_ her and make everything better for her.

  


She appreciated that, but it was time for her to fix herself.

  


“I’m making sure you are okay,” Mark confessed.

  


“I meant-” she meant why is he here in Seattle now why was he standing here giving her coffee.

  


“I know, it's the same answer, I came to make sure that you are okay.”

  


“I’m fine.”

  


“How can you be?” He asked his voice sounding incredulous, “He’s still seeing her, Derek asked you to leave Boston, leave everything and everyone you know behind to move here, and he is still seeing her” Mark stated as if Addison needed a remainder.

  


“It’s none of your business, it's our marriage even, and I don’t-”

  


“Stop letting him get away with shit just because you feel bad for sleeping with me, he is the one in the wrong here.”

  


“When have you ever known me to let anyone get away with anything?” She shot back snatching her hands away, people were watching, and they will be gossiping about this little interaction by lunchtime.

  


“We were friends before all this” Mark continued, “We have known each other nearly two decades, and I’m telling you that you are not fine Addison. This whole situation is draining you, you are walking around half-asleep, and people are worried about you, not just me, you even have the nurses on your side now, that’s how bad it is. They are calling Grey the mistress and Derek the dick…. just thought you’d want to know.”

  


Even though Addison was rolling her eyes at the statement, Mark still noticed the tiny twitch of her lips.

  


“Addison, you paged me?” Burke asked, striding up to the other two surgeons and cutting in as if it had always been a three-person conversation.

  


“Yes, you have the by-pass case this morning I want to scrub in.”

  


“You want-”

  


“To scrub in, yes.”

  


“No” Burke replied back turning and going back the same way he came.

  


Addison quickly grabbed the cup of coffee Mark had gotten her and started following him; unfortunately, Mark began to follow her as well, “Give me one reason why I can’t.”

  


“Other than the fact that I said so?” Burke questioned raising a single eyebrow, “First of all I don’t need you there, and second of all you are the head of your department shouldn’t you have other things to be doing.”

  


“I don’t, it’s all done, all sorted. I trust my guys to deal with whatever issue comes up, and if they can’t, they’ll just page me.”

  


“So I should just let you scrub in on my surgery even though you haven’t done any cardiac surgery since residency just because you have nothing better to do?”

  


“No, you should let me scrub in _because_ of that. Look it is a simple procedure, and unlike the interns or whoever you have scrubbing in I will at least know enough about the heart to be somewhat useful, an extra pair of hands or eyes won’t exactly kill you.” Addison could tell that he was on the fence she just needed to add one more thing, “Plus it’s _your_ operating room you could just have me stand there holding the scalpel the whole time.”

  


“You seriously want to do this?”

  


“I seriously want to do this” Addison nodded standing firm in her request.

  


“Fine but if Webber asks...”

  


“My idea, my fault got it.”

  


“If the lawyers okay it, I will see you at ten. Shepherd, Sloan” Burke nodded to each doctor before striding away.

  


“Keep talking about being fine when you’ve just volunteered yourself up to _Burke_ as his new surgery slave.” Mark scoffed before walking away, Addison didn’t care that it was a strange request or that it would have even more people talking about her, it was a good idea, and she’d been thinking about it for nearly a month.

  


x.x.x.x

  


“How’s Dr Shepherd?” O’Malley asked over breakfast Alex over breakfast for one reason or another the interns had decided that Tuesday should be the day they all tried to have breakfast together.

  


“Shouldn’t you be asking the chick sleeping with him?” Alex questioned throwing his bowl in the sink and washing it with a lot more force than was needed. His statement brought an awkwardness to the morning because Alex had been the only person inside the hospital without a single response in regards to the whole Shepherd-Meredith affair he said he didn’t care unless it affected him so this was the first statement he’d given in all these months to show any type of disapproval. 

  


“No he- he means Montgomery-Shepherd, you are on her service for another week, right?” Izzie corrected.

  


Alex didn’t know how to answer that or even if he should what with everyone staring at him, _including_ Meredith, who try as she might to hide her interest was listening. “Like I said, asked Meredith. I’m sure she knows more about both Shepherds than anyone else seeing as how she’s been kissing a married man anyway why do you care?”

  


“Nothing” George hurried to reassure as if it wasn’t suspicious when he did that.

  


“What is it?” Alex asked again. 

  


“It’s nothing we were just wondering how she was that’s all, we heard she punched some kid yesterday.” Izzie brushed off, dropping her and O’Malleys plates in the sink and dragging him up with her so they could both go get dressed. 

  


If she’d left George by himself, Alex would have him spilling everything within ten seconds. 

  


“What” Alex snapped, feeling Grey’s eyes boring into him. 

  


“Nothing, I just- I didn’t think you cared about -”

  


“The affair.” Alex helpfully provided. “That’s what it is an _affair_, he’s married and is sleeping with you, so it’s called an affair.”

  


“We are not sleeping together,” Meredith said lamely. 

  


“Like that makes a difference, just because he’s _technically_ stopped having sex with you doesn’t make this any less of an affair.”

  


“It’s not like that,” Meredith denied because it really wasn’t they had just been going for walks with Doc, last week’s kiss was the first and last that the two of them had shared since Addison had arrived into town “He’s my attending for the next two weeks just like she’s-”

  


“Just a little heads up before you head in; everyone is talking about you and Derek kissing, one of the nurses overheard the Shepherds’ fight yesterday so be prepared for a rough couple of days” Alex advised.

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


“You should be proud Shepherd” Preston reported out of know where being followed by Addison, “Your wife is one badass woman.”

  


“Did you just say badass?”Addison questioned giggling, she was riding a high from surgery, she could practically feel the endorphins coursing through her system, “Never say that again.”

  


“I was paying you a compliment.”

  


“You can do that _without_ saying badass, but that was AMAZING” Addison continued moving past Derek and Meredith to check the board she was cutting it close, but she still had time to grab a mid-morning snack and talk to the patients again before her surgery.

  


“You were good.”

  


“No, you were” Addison replied back returning the compliment, “I get why you are the Cardio God, seriously you were fantastic in there, kinda feel bad for O’Malley though” Addison could admit that she was riding a high, she loved her job everything about it from delivering a child into this world to performing complex life-saving surgery on a foetus while they were still in the womb, but there was something about what she just witnessed, having a beating heart in her hand that had been an experience on its own.

  


“Does anyone want to tell me what’s going on?” Derek interrupted, Burke was looking at Addison to say something, she looked over at him for a split second before turning back to Burke showing she wasn’t going to deal with Derek.

  


“I need to go rescue my patients from Karev but feel free to scrub in on one of my surgeries” Addison offered to Burke before leaving.

  


She was ignoring him, she came home drunk last night and still refused to say a word about where she’d been or why she was she was punching people, by the time he woke up that morning Addison had already left the trailer. While being ignored gave him some peace and quiet from her nagging it also irritated him, they were meant to be in a relationship they were meant to talk and yes he knew he was a hypocrite for even thinking this especially as he had refused to talked to her all last week but still, he was trying or he was trying to try.

  


“Bye Shepherd” Burke called out watching as the woman walked away.

  


“What surgery?” Derek asked, frustrated, having been left out of the conversation.

  


“Addison asked to scrub in on my by-pass surgery, it went well; she caught and cauterised an arterial bleed.”

  


“Why was she scrubbing in on your surgery?” Derek asked, feeling like he was missing a part of the story.

  


“I don’t know” Preston admitted, he’d only said yes because it seemed like Addison was desperate for something to do. “Don’t worry I checked with the hospital lawyers, there’s actually nothing stopping us from scrubbing into another surgery as long as we aren’t taking over” as always Preston dotted his ‘i’ and crossed his ’t’.

  


“So she just came up to you and asked to scrub in on the surgery.”

  


“Pretty much” Burke shrugged which reminded Derek of the fact that Addison had shrugged yesterday and she had also punched a kid, by all accounts the boy deserved it but still, Addison didn’t result to physical violence, what the hell was going on with her.  “Maybe you should ask your wife that instead of me,” Burke replied, shaking his head and walking off. Derek’s little threesome he had going on was about to blow up in his face.

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


Alex hadn’t been lying that morning. _Everyone_ at the hospital knew about the kiss, the nurses, the porters, the lunch lady, they were all talking about her and the Shepherds.

  


Meredith even had someone cough-shout ‘mistress’ as she walked by and worse of all Bailey was judging her, not openly but she could tell. 

  


“Grey, where are you here instead of with your attending?” Miranda asked, getting impatient at the sight.

  


“I was wondering if it was possible to swap attendant I’ve-”

  


“No, _your_ attendant is your attendant.” Bailey cut her off, the work she had put in to make sure everything matched she wasn’t about to let Grey mess it up because of a few chatty Cathy.

  


“Please, George’s already-”

  


“I said no, Grey and I don’t care what you and O’Malley have agreed to. I have created a system in which each and every single one of you gets the opportunity to work in each department _with _each department head as their sole intern. I have a system you will _not _mess up my system, you will not ask for favours, or play swapsies or make a mess of my system in any way, am I clear.”

  


“Yes, Dr Bailey,” Meredith answered dispassionately.

  


“Good now I believe you and Dr Shepherd have a brain bleed to deal with and I don’t think either he nor the patient would appreciate being kept waiting for you.

  


Callie Torres was standing behind Miranda, barely keeping a straight face, as she watched the intern leave. “I’m glad she’s not my intern” Callie noted once Meredith moved, “That is a lot of drama for a few weeks of good sex.”

  


“Callie.”

  


“What I’m just saying.” Callie shrugged, “She made her bed, and now everyone is making her live in it.”

  


x.x.x.

  


“Addison, a word?” Richard asked, pulling her into his office, “So I heard that you helped Preston with his heart surgery today.” Richard began as an interlude.

  


“Yep, it was great.”

  


“Can I ask why it’s not often that I have a department head asking to scrub in on someone’s else’s surgery especially when it’s not in their ‘wheelhouse’ should we say.”

  


Addison swallowed feeling nervous “I just….”

  


“Is this about yesterday with Kasey Keller?” Richard hazard a guess once he realised that Addison was stuck for words.

  


“No, no it’s not, I just wanted to see something different in surgery, I’m not planning on specialising in cardiology or anything. I had a thought that it might be good to see what the other surgeries are like…”

  


“You did?”

  


“It came from Miranda Bailey’s idea actually, she has all her interns working with each of the department heads on a rotating schedule so they all have the chance to experience each field, that just made me think that it wouldn’t be a bad idea for me to do something like that.”

  


“But you are a department head.”

  


“I haven’t forgotten, I _still_ want to be the department head, I just wanted to be in the surgery to see what cardio is like.”

  


“Is this going to be a regular occurrence, or were you satisfied with the surgery today.”

  


“Unless the hospital has a problem with it, I was thinking of asking the other departments to scrub in on the surgery…. This is a teaching hospital, after all.”

  


“that is certainly an interesting idea that you’ve thought of, the lawyers have told me that there is nothing wrong or illegal with your request and as so long as you scrubbing in doesn’t take you away from your patients or ward I don’t see why not.”

  


“Thank you Richard.”

  


“I did tell you that I was here for you, now having said that if anyone denies your request to scrub in, I expect you to accept that and move on.” Richard was mostly thinking about Derek when saying this but he could just as easily imagine the other department heads also refusing Addison and her _unusual_ request.

  


“Of course.”

  


“If you want I have a couple of surgeries next week, while they aren’t particularly interesting they should satisfy your request.” Richard proposed he wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong with Addison but she was listless, she had moved to Seattle to save her marriage and it didn’t seem to be going all that well.  


“Much appreciated, if you don’t mind I was just on my way out for the day.”

  


“Of course, good luck in therapy.” 

  


  


x.x.x.x 

* * *

  


“Sorry I’m late” Addison made her apologise going to sit on the other only chair that was left unoccupied.

  


“Where were you?” Derek asked as Addison removed her jacket placing it neatly across her knees just like she’d been taught to do, it looked very neat and tidy, very ‘lady-like’

  


“Talking to Richard.”

  


“About?”

  


“Surgeries.”

“Why?” Derek asked, it was like pulling teeth with her, she was determined to ignore him because of a measly little kiss.

“Because

  


“Okay, so how has it been going with you two?” Dr Snedal asked, putting a stop to the stilted question and answer going on.

  


“He been seeing Grey and I caught them kissing each other” Addison helpfully informed Dr Snedal.

  


“It’s not like that” Derek denied, “Meredith, and I are friends, you know we are. We were just walking Doc, and I’ve kissed her just that once I think that I am allowed that given everything that you’ve done, I am allowed one mistake.”

  


“So the kiss was a mistake?” Dr Snedal asked.

  


“It wasn’t just a kiss, they were making out. Derek was making out with her, he had her up against a tree, and he was making out with her.”

  


“Say making out one more time, I’m not sure he gets the picture,” Derek said snidely, “Anyways shouldn’t you be all accepting of the fact that we all make mistakes and do things we regret.”

  


“Oh please” Addison scoffed, “Don’t expect me to think that this was a mistake _you_ don’t even think it was, to you what happened was justified, you couldn’t help it, she’s your lifeline it’s okay because big bad Addison isn’t like Meredith.”

  


“I didn’t say that, did you hear me say that?”

  


“Mistakes are something people generally try not to do again, you seeing her behind my back was a mistake; it was you cheating.” Addison declared, why was she the one explaining this to him, you would think with all his issues about her and Mark that Derek would know exactly what cheating was.

  


“Then what do you call sleeping with Mark, being in a relationship with him. You repeated that mistake _multiple_ times I imagine.”

  


“We aren’t talking about me and Mark we are talking about you and Meredith. I have stopped seeing Mark, when are you going to stop seeing her. Why ask me to move to Seattle to work on us when you have one foot out the door, no matter what I did with Mark that is in the past, you are still seeing her now, in the present. This is cheating you are a cheater.”

  


“Of course you know what cheating looks like, after all, you _are_ the expert at it.”

  


“Fine Derek keep bringing up Mark in every conversation we have, see if that will make you feel any better. Addison threw her hands up, resigning herself to the fact. “You blame me for sleeping with Mark and ruining our marriage well I blame you for ruining this relationship, you seeing her has ruined the relationship, it destroyed any chance of us making this work.”

  


“Don’t be melodramatic it was one kiss.”

  


“I wonder if you have the same energy about me and Mark drinking together last night” Addison causally threw out, watching Derek’s face cloud over in anger and disgust. “No? You seem to have a problem with it, but I don’t understand why it’s just a drink.” Addison mocked taking the same tone Derek had used when stating ‘_it was just one kiss_’.

  


“This is not the same!” Derek roared he looked like he was seconds away from killing her which while disturbing was an actual improvement on the state of their whatever this was; at least this fury was an emotion instead of the passivity he general displayed when it came to them.

  


“Why not?” Addison hissed back, “Why the hell not. You get to see her and go behind my back kissing her -for all I know you’ve probably slept with her again, you may have been sleeping with her all this time- so why is me going drinking with Mark so much worse than you kissing Meredith…. I asked you for one thing I asked you to stop seeing her and you broke your promise” 

Addison hated when her voice broke in public, she hated breaking down in public and she hated showing her emotions so openly especially to this man who _looked_ like the man she married but wasn’t, the old Derek wouldn’t have let them get to this point neither would the old Addison, she wouldn’t have ever slept with Mark or thrown the fact that Mark and her were drinking buddies in Derek’s face, the old them wouldn’t have done so many things so why were they doing this now; why were they doing this to each other.

  


“And you broke our vows, so I say we are about even now, except for the fact that I didn’t actually sleep with Meredith on Saturday, but if I had done, I would have at least respected us enough not to do it on our marital bed.” Derek returned.

  


After twenty minutes of bickering and shouting at each other, they both had nothing else to say, all their hate-filled grievance had been aired, and right now he refused to look at him and him at her, so the sat in silence until their therapist started laughing. “Are you- what’s so funny?” Addison asked she shared a look with Derek, and he seemed to be just as surprised and annoyed by their therapist bursting out into this fit of laughter as she was.

  


“It’s not funny, I shouldn’t be laughing.”

  


“And yet, here you are.”

  


“Can I be candid with the two of you,” Adam asked the couple putting down his notepad on the coffee table next to his chair.

  


“Sure, you are already laughing at us.” Derek nodded, finally speaking up.

  


“The problem with your marriage it’s the fact that both of you are doing little petty and somethings massive things to ruin it because it _can’t_ be the way it was before, so you just don’t want it.” Dr Snedal stated and kept on going seeing both Shepherd about to offer up their protest. “You, Derek seriously talking to Meredith, Really? The one thing your wife asked of you was to not talk to Meredith unless it was work-related, you asked her to move to Seattle, and she asked you for this, and here we are with you breaking your promises and sabotaging your relationship.”

  


“Thank you I-”

  


“And as for you Addison what did you think would happen when you tell your husband that Mark the man you had a relationship went drinking with you last night, sure I believe nothing happened. I bet even Derek believes nothing happened, but you are just as culpable as he is in the state of your marriage. You had a bad day at work, then you should have gone home to talk to your husband about it” Dr Snedal chastised. “Even if you wanted to drink your sorrow away but did it really have to be with Mark, did you _really_ have to go with him.”

  


“Well the thing is-”

  


“Stop punishing each other and doing things to ruin your marriage and start repairing it, don’t just come here saying you want to work it out and leave doing stupid shit like seeing the ex-girlfriend and drinking with your ex-lover. Now your task Addison is that for the next week whatever your problem, however big or small it is you go to Derek and talk about it, you run out of toothpaste that morning, tell Derek. You couldn’t find your shoes, tell Derek. Your patient came in with three wombs four babies and a set of conjoined twins, Tell Derek. Don’t go looking for comfort at the bottom of a bottle and don’t expect him to come to you” Dr Snedal continued.

  


“I don’t-”

  


“And Derek your tasks is the easiest one, listen to Addison, stop brushing her off or saying you will talk later, stay and talk and actually listen also STOP TALKING TO MEREDITH GREY. She’s on your service for the next two weeks fine you have to deal with her but after that stop approaching her, if she needs a consult ask her to find another neurosurgeon, if she trips down the stairs and you walk around her. WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE, stop worrying about whether Meredith Grey has friends or if she’s eaten and start worrying about the state of your marriage I’ve been doing this for over twenty years and I can tell you unless the BOTH of you actually change your behaviour and patterns that you are just going to swap my office for a divorce lawyers. That will be all, our hour is up feel free to leave, oh and learn to compromise but if you can’t do that make some rules for your marriage and _stick to them._” Dr Snedal said effectively dismissing them.

  


It was the most effective and politest ‘fuck you’ Addison had heard in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they've been told of by the therapist but would this make any difference, will being able to just let loose and air thier griveance even help or would it just remain them of everything wrong in their relationship.


	4. One step forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bailey has a word with Derek and Addison protects Bailey from the darker side of motherhood.

“What were you thinking?” Bailey asked, reaching up and slapping the back of Derek Shepherd's head. Attending or not the man was stupid.

  


“Good morning to you too, Dr Bailey” Derek sighed closing his file.

  


“I know what you were thinking, you weren’t thinking that’s what you were thinking” Bailey scolded. “Really kissing her. You **picked** Addison, you picked your wife and said you will make it work with her. What were you thinking?”

  


“It just happened.”

  


“It didn’t just happen, rain. That’s what happens, you kissing my intern doesn’t just happen. You made it happen, going on walks with her. What is wrong with you?”

  


“Bailey-”

  


“Don’t you Bailey me. You don’t get to Bailey me while you string along two beautiful, highly intelligent women. Your wife and Meredith walking around here looking all sad and mopey because of you, people talking about them like they are the newest hit tv show and you stand here Bailey-ing me.”

  


“It there a point to this?”

  


“Yes, be better.” Bailey demanded, “Do better cause I’ll be watching you.”

  


“Understood.”

  


“See you say that and you still go ahead and have secret meetings with Meredith.”

  


“They weren’t secret meetings; we were just walking the dog.”

  


“You do know I have to get you back for breaking my intern’s heart and hurting your own wife. I _would_ apologise, but you don’t deserve my apologies.”

  


“Morning Bailey, Derek” Mark greeted walking up to the nurses' station.

  


“It’s Dr Shepherd to you.” Derek snapped, wondering why Mark was still in town. Maybe he was here for Addison trying to and win her back according to the latest gossip the two of them were having coffee and holding hands.

  


“Dr Sloan.” Miranda greeted.

  


“Hey Bailey, Stevens said you needed a consult,” Addison stated, walking up to the resident she didn't know why Mark and Derek were in the same place and frankly she didn't care, she came to work to get away from her crappy situation, she didn't need the crappy situation to be thrown into her face.

  


“Yes I have a walk-in, physically she’s fine but mentally… she just kept on asking to go to the maternity ward.”

  


“Great, let’s go” Addison ordered not wanting to spend another second standing next to Mark or Derek, the only thing stopping her from losing her mind was the neat little fact that Meredith Grey was avoiding her.

  


They both been using the same bathroom earlier, and when Grey came out of the stall to find Addison washing her hands, the girl had walked back in locking the door. 

  


It would have been funny if it wasn't so sad and infuriating; Addison hadn't said or done anything to have the girl cowering away like that.

  


“Are you seriously going to ignore me?” Derek asked, apart from their arguments and their counsellor's office Addison hadn't spoken a single word to him for nearly five days now.

  


“It’s what we do, we ignore each other. If you want someone to pay attention, go to the twelve-year-old.”

  


“Morning Addison” Mark greeted handing over her espresso shot deciding to switch her drink.

  


“I’m ignoring you too. In fact, unless either of you needs me for a consult don’t even talk to me.” Addison snarled grabbing both coffees from Mark, his morning coffees were always a black coffee, she just had to deal with the stupid amount of sugar he added.

  


“Hey, what did I do?” Mark question

  


“I’m your husband,” Derek stated, feeling the need to remind her and not wanting to be lumped into the same group as Mark.

  


“Glad you remember that, but right now I don’t care. Dr Bailey with me.” 

  


“Okay, I get why you are punishing him but why me?”

  


“Mark, look at me, study my face, does it look like I want complicated or to talk about what’s fair in life.”

  


“You look like-”

  


“If your next word is some type of sexual innuendo I will hog-tie you, cut your dick off and shove it down your throat,” Addison hissed.

  


“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, then again you live in a trailer, so it’s not like you have a right si-”

  


Addison slammed her hand over Sloan’s mouth before he could keep talking, he was worse than Karev.

“One more word and I spread the two thousand and nine Christmas video so you either walk away or I will press send, and the _entire _hospital will have someone else to gossip about, go tell the man who calls himself my husband that I will release the thanksgiving video of him.” 

  


x.x.x.x 

* * *

  


Addison only had to look into the room for one brief nano-second to know what she was dealing with, just looking through the glass as they made their way over was enough.

  


Even from this distance without being in the room, she could tell, it was coming off the woman in waves.

  


Depression.

  


_Post-partum_ depression.

  


“Thank you, Dr Bailey, I have it from here.”

  


“Excuse me.”

  


“I have it from here, I am sure that there are plenty of patients in the ward who could use your help.”

  


“But she’s my patient.”

  


“And you asked me to be here, so she’s mine now.”

  


“You haven’t even seen her charts or examine her.”

  


“I am about to as soon as you walk away, I am sure that there are plenty of other patients who could use your help.”

  


“No, she’s my patient, and I am not leaving.”

  


“It wasn’t a request Dr Bailey she is no longer your patient. LEAVE!” Addison ordered shutting and locking the door before closing all the blinds. “Hi I’m Dr Shepherd, and you are?”

  


“Mindy.”

  


“Hi Mindy, before I sit down I am going to need you to tell me the baby is safe,” Addison ordered. Depression, especially post-partum depression, created thoughts on depression and suicide.

  


“He’s fine. Thomas is fine…. I just, I want to see other babies. Better babies.” 

  


x.x.

  


“She’s been in there for over an hour.” Christina gossiped peaking into the room with Izzie and George

  


“Heard she kicked Bailey off the case and went in.”

  


“Bailey is pissed and so is the chief.”

  


“What is up with her lately, she punches a kid, scrubs in on Burke’s surgery and kicks Bailey off her cases. You two morons were the one who started the whole ‘is Addison okay’ thing, so what do you know.”

  


“Nothing” Izzie denied sharing a look with George before refocusing on Christina, “Nothing.”

  


“If you don’t tell me I am going to make your life a living hell.”

  


“There nothing to tell.”

  


“George?”

  


“Izzy’s right there’s nothing to tell.”

  


“I will break into the house wait till you fall asleep and shave your head, now tell me what’s going on.”

  


“We don’t want to say anything. You are 'her' person, and you will tell her.”

  


“No, I won’t.”

  


“Yes, you will. You two don’t keep secrets from each other” Izzie pointed out.

  


“Just tell me.”

  


“We found her crying in a supply closet last week. We just… it was awful.”

  


“Addison, crying?” Yang questioning looking into the room, the woman didn’t look like she had ever cried a day in her life.

  


“Unlike you, she is human, _with _feelings.” 

  


“And her husband is cheating on her with Meredith.”

  


“It’s not cheating; it’s one kiss.” Yang defended automatically.

  


x.x

  


“They are staring” Mindy stated, and sure enough when Addison turned around, she saw the Chief and Derek standing outside looking in.

  


“Not at you.”

  


“They are-”

  


“That one” Addison began pointing to Derek, “He’s my husband, we are kind of in the middle of a fight and the other one he’s my mentor and friend.”

  


“My husband and I are fighting, as well.”

  


“About the baby?”

  


“He says I don’t take care of him enough.”

  


“And what do you say.”

  


“I’m tired of fighting with him.”

  


“I’m tired of fighting with my husband too, but what is your fight about.”

  


“I leave the baby alone a lot.”

  


“You do?” Addison asked innocently, “Where? At home or with the sitter?”

  


“My mum takes care of him a lot. I don’t want to talk about him anymore can we talk about my bakery again.”

  


“Sure Mindy, you were telling me how you make croissants.”

  


x.x.x

  


“Heard the patient had post-partum.”

  


“She does” Addison admitted, she was sticking to ginger ale tonight. If she drunk every time she had a bad day at work, she wouldn’t have a functioning liver.

  


“You can’t discriminate against me because I am a mother.”

  


“Yes, I can.” Addison admitted, “I would do it again because you didn’t need to be there.”

  


“I am a doctor. I've dealt with these cases before.”

  


“That was before you gave birth before you became a mother to one of the most beautiful baby boy I’ve seen in a long time, and he’s going to need you there. If you’d been in that room with me, if you heard half the things I heard…. Go home and hold the boy and never let go.”

  


“Thank you” Miranda smiled, appreciating that Addison had been looking out for her. 

  


“You’re welcome.”

  


“But the next time we have a patient together, and you throw me off the case I’ll throw you out the window.”

  


“Go home Miranda. I don’t plan on kicking you off cases, I’m just trying to protect you from the horrors that some new mothers have to deal with.”

  


“Well that’s me done, who should I send over, we have Derek who’s finally pulled his head out his ass, the chief also standing by the door looking for you, Sloan has been flirting with one of the nurses for about an hour but he keeps looking over here and Preston is with Yang and the interns.”

  


“Preston or the chief. The other two don’t get to talk to me.”

  


“Thought you might say that,” Miranda grinned sliding off the stool and saying goodbye to Joe.

  


Addison didn’t know who Miranda would choose, and she didn’t care she just wanted to put this week behind her; first Kasey now Mindy; she wasn’t even Mindy’s doctor the woman just happened to walk into the hospital, Addison got attached too quickly. 

  


Richard said it, Mark said it, and so had everyone she ever knew; Addison Shepherd 'the woman who gets attached.'

  


“So you and Bailey made up,” Burke stated taking the unoccupied bar stool.

  


“We never really had a falling out. She’s just became a new mother, and the patient had-”

  


“Post-partum. I heard, but how did you even know without examining her.”

  


“I’m just that good” Addison grinned, praising herself. “You get to spot the signs of a woman on edge pretty quickly with my job.”

  


Burke studied Addison’s profile under the dim light of Joe’s bar, and he could see it’ ‘a woman on edge’ he didn’t know a lot about Montgomery-Shepherd apart from the fact that she cheated on Derek and had moved across the country trying to make it up to him.

  


She was new to town and out of the three people she knew one did his best to avoid her (Derek), the other was her boss (Richard), and the last was her ex-lover (Sloan). She was a bit like him; the hospital was the only thing she had, but it wasn’t actually through choice, and at least he had Yang, “I’m going to a baseball match on Saturday, Yang can’t make it if you want to come.”

  


“Baseball?”

  


“The Mariners are not Yankee, but they put on an excellent game.”

  


“It is one of the things on my ‘Best of Seattle’ checklist.” Addison accepted the olive branch for what it was, feeling a small smile on her face.

  


“What time do they play, I have this volunteering thing I do.”

  


“_You_ volunteer.” 

  


Addison had to laugh at the shocked looked on Burke’s face, she could admit that she wasn’t really the type to give up her weekends helping others, but Nancy had recommended that she find something to do apart from going through ‘The best of Seattle’ checklist.

  


“Seattle’s women shelter. My sister recommended it said I should stop going to the museum” Addison informed rolling her eyes, Nance was as big of a snob as Addison, but she was right volunteering did help her feel less restless. “So why can’t the girlfriend make it?”

  


“Interns.” Burke provided and that was answer enough.

  


“I didn’t take you to be one of those guys that come to Joe’s.”

  


“I didn’t take you to be one of those people that volunteer” Burke shot back.

  


“Touché”

  


“You should talk to him.”

  


“Who?” Addison questioned finishing the last of her ginger ale. There were multiple ‘him’ that wanted to talk to her tonight; Derek, Richard, Mark.

  


“Derek, he’s been walking around all day like a kicked puppy even saw him sneaking into your galley to check on you,” Burke revealed.

  


It took everything Addison had not to spin around and find Derek in the crowded bar instead she just forced herself to shrug her shoulders and ordered another ginger ale breaking Dr Snedal rule ‘_don’t expect him to come to you_’. “Fine, I’ll go talk to-”

  


“Preston, can I have a word with Addison?” Derek asked, walking over.

  


“Go ahead, I was just heading back. Good luck.”

  


Addison didn’t which one of them Burke had wished luck, probably her. She felt like she needed all the luck she could get.

  


“Heard you had a rough day at work.”

  


“It wasn’t too bad, nothing I couldn’t work through.”

  


“What happened to coming to and talking to me about your problems?” Derek questioned his voice didn’t sound accusatory.

  


“Nothing I was going to wait till we get home, we have enough people talking about us. What?” Addison questioned wondering why Derek seemed so surprised.

  


“You just called it home, the trailer. You called it home” Derek grinned, Addison found herself smiling back seeing Derek actually being happy about something she’d done.

  


“Don’t get used to it, it’s still a sardine can…. But it is our sardine can, and I use the term ‘home’ in the loosest of sense.”

  


“You still called it home.”

  


“Well, I live there with Doc.”

  


“You were outstanding in theatre today.”

  


“Said the peeping Tom, but thank you.”

  


“Want to get out of here and grab some Chinese on the way to our sardine can?” Derek asked, a part of Addison wanted to say no out of pettiness; however, Derek even offering this was an improvement on the state of their relationship. 

  


“I would love to get some food. Let’s get out of- Shit.”

“What is it?”

  


“I’m on call tonight.”

  


“I don’t see your name on the list.”

  


“I swapped at the last minute Christian needed the night off…. We can have dinner at the restaurant instead of doing a take out.” Addison compromised

  


“Sure, let’s do that.”

  


“Okay.”

  


“I’m not in until tomorrow afternoon if you want to sit down and make up some rules for us,” Derek suggested helping Addison into her jacket.

  


  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


“He kissed me,” Meredith repeated for the thousandth time.

  


“Yes, I heard you.” Christian moaned, she should have gone home with Burke instead of coming to Meredith’s to listen to her drunken ramblings.

  


“He _kissed _me, and now he’s back in the trailer with _her_.”

  


“The her is his wife” Izzie piped up walking past.

  


“I know that.”

  


“Just thought you might need reminding since you’ve been kissing him.”

  


“What is your problem, she made you stay up all night to look after a dead baby.” 

  


“And she made you hide in the bathroom look like a scared little girl your point being?” Izzie mocked, “You know what Meredith, Addison may be a bitch and I may hate her for what she did with the Quints, but at least she isn’t chasing after a man whose already someone else’s husband.”

  


“I’m not chasing after him.”

  


“Keep telling yourself that. You do know he’s on a date with Addison, while you are obsessing over a single kiss he is out there eating dinner in a restaurant with his wife and he’s not even thinking about you.”

  


“Izzie enough,” George chided pulling Izzie out of the room and back to his room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like Derek has taken a step forward, looking in on Addison in surgery, coming to talk to her and even suggesting the make rules for their therapist.
> 
> Thanks for reading and the comments.


	5. Rules of engagement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison and Derek come up with new rules for their relationship in order to make getting along easier.

“How about we make rules” Derek suggested taking a slice of pizza out of the box.

“Are you going to stick to them this time or am I just going to waste my time?” Addison asked seeing as he failed to stick to the ‘no seeing Meredith’ rule

“I guess I deserved that.” Derek begrudgingly admitted, the fact that Addison’s voice had cracked in therapy showed just how much pain him meeting up with Meredith had caused her.

A part of him had to wonder if seeing him kiss Meredith hurt more or less than walking in on her and Mark, he had to assume less because he hadn’t actually slept with Meredith, but from the look on her face maybe it was about the same. 

“You kissed her Derek, you kept seeing her, and you kissed her... I know I agreed to the whole friendship thing, but I didn’t think-” she didn't think he would kiss her or see her outside the hospital.

“I’m sorry,” Derek responded,the sad thing was Addison couldn’t tell if he meant it or not.

“You kissed her on Saturday after I spent Friday night with Mark in surgery. Was it- was there a part of you that was trying to punish me?” Addison questioned, it was a stupid question because whichever answer Derek gave would start a fight, if he said yes that seeing Meredith was deliberate attempt to hurt her then he wasn’t the man she thought he was, it would be devastating and cruel in a way Addison didn’t know Derek was capable of being.

However if he said no that would mean that he hadn’t even thought about her or how she would feel, that being with Grey was the only thing on his mind, Addison wasn’t a factor when he began seeing Meredith, and somehow that was worse. “Forget it we can start; rule one; no seeing the exes and no putting yourself in a situation that you know the other person wouldn’t like.”

Derek was grateful Addison decided to let the issue slide and move on to safer topic because he really didn’t know what his answer would have been; was he trying to punish her by still seeing Meredith? 

Was Meredith payback for what she done with Mark, she didn’t feel like payback, he’d fallen for her, he’d fallen for the girl at the bar, the intern, his ‘breath of fresh air’ but he hadn’t exactly fallen out of love with Addison either, maybe out of like or into hate if that was a thing, but he hadn’t fallen out of love because if he had… If he had he won’t stay awake wondering where she was, he wouldn’t look at the surgical list to see what her day looked like, he wouldn’t sneak into the viewing room to watch her work before running away feeling both angry and proud that Addison was there trying to win him back.

Derek wasn’t ready to deal with all this, he just wanted to keep the fragile peace he had right now, “No keeping things bottle inside, I would say no passive aggressiveness, but that would be like asking you not to breathe.”

“Said the pot to the kettle, that entire statement was passive-aggressive.” Addison shot back grabbing her own slice, unlike her husband she actually had a plate to put it on instead of just holding it. “No ignoring each other; every question gets some type of answer or acknowledgement.”

Derek found it hard to agree to that one, ignoring half the thing Addison said during the day was the only way he knew how to be around her, but even he could admit that it was a bad habit that he had fallen into, if he wanted to make this situation work something needed to change. 

“Okay as so long as we have a rule not to talk about our issues at work, church and state. No more arguing with each other about Mark or Meredith, no more nurses gossiping about us or having Richard looking like we’ve killed his puppy just because we can’t get along.”

“What you don’t like it when the nurses follow you and Grey around just to have something to talk about?” Addison gasped her lips twitching in amusement.

“No can’t say I enjoy being stalked around the hospital.”

“Honestly I am tired of everyone knowing our business so ‘Church and State.’” She continued sharing a sweet moment with Derek before getting back to business, for once it felt like they were on the same team. “No more name-calling, you don’t get to call me Satan, the adulteress or the whore, the slut, the bitch who slept with my best friend, or McSlut or any of those nicknames you been using” Addison continued naming a fair few of the things Derek had called her since she'd been here.

“I haven’t.”

“You have.” Addison cut in, picking the mushrooms of the pizza, she didn’t mind that the pizza was loaded with artery-clogging oils or that the pizza amounted to her daily caloric intake and she was having it for breakfast…. she just hated mushrooms, it was a fungus, people were eating fungus.

“I didn’t even- I’m sorry” Derek apologised reaching out and placing his hands on top of hers and squeezing it, luckily she didn’t pull her hands away. Derek was about to ask why she hadn’t said something then realised that she probably had been trying, she’d been trying, she moved her and she was trying while he’d been… “No more name-calling, it doesn’t even have to be a rule. Guess you are right when you call me a crappy husband.”

“I am right about a lot of things, you just don’t like listening to me, your turn, make a rule.”

“I can’t think of one” Derek confessed, reaching over to take all the mushrooms Addison had put aside like he always did for her. 

She hated mushrooms, he loved them, it was their ritual.

“You have to say you love me,” Addison said, “At least once a week, no once every three days” Addison amended.

“That can’t be a rule.”

“Says who? This is meant to be new rules for us to be better, to move forward and we’ve stopped saying it, I say it all the time, but you don’t, maybe if you start saying it, you would realise that you still love me.”

“Are you trying to trick me into saying that I love you?”

“I’m not trying to trick you into anything I’m just- fine forget it, stupid rule.”

“….Once every three days but in return, I want complete honesty about everything.”

“Are you sure you want to pull on that particular thread?” Addison asked, “Because the last time I check you were the one lying to me plus complete honesty can be hazardous, especially with us.”

“Complete honesty,” Derek repeated letting the dig go.

“No matter the consequence.” She agreed, if he could do it so could she, “No bringing up the exes in a fight if it’s not relevant, your response to me asking you to not bring trout into the trailer cannot be the fact that I slept with Mark.”

“I thought you said I-”

“Not anymore, plus that was predicated on you actually forgiving me so no more bringing up Mark and in return, I won’t bring up the fact that you were still seeing and kissing the slutty intern when you said you’d stop.”

It was clear that Derek wanted to say something in response to the slutty intern remark, but surprisingly, he let it go, “Okay no throwing our mistakes in each other faces.” He wrote down, “You come fishing with me once a month.”

“No!”

“Yes” Derek ignored the look of horror on Addison’s face, she hadn’t been fishing Addison couldn’t say she hated something that she had never tried.

He could go fishing with her, he wanted to go fishing with her and not even as some sort of twisted punishment; hopefully, if she came with him she could appreciate it, it might also cause fewer arguments.

“No. I am already living in a shoebox trailer; you are not turning me into the fisher man’s wife.”

“You are already a fisher’s man wife.” Derek shot out and just like expected Addison grimace at the reminder that instead of living in a fancy brownstone in uptown New York, she was now living in a 'prison cell' as she called it. “I know you don’t like it, but I’m trying here. In return, you get to make me do one thing that you like.”

“But fishing?” Addison sulked, he must really hate her.

“It won’t be that bad.”

“Sure not bad just what I asked for in my prayers ‘a not bad experience with my husband’” the words may have come out sarcastic but she had actually prayed for a day with an ‘okay experience’ with Derek; where he didn’t even hate her, the universe really had a twisted sense of humour if they chose fishing of all things.

“First of all, you don’t pray, and secondly, you know how much I like fishing. I am here trying to include you, it’s just one day a month, I thought you would at least appreciate the fact that I’m asking you to come but if you are going to moan and complain about it-”

Marriage was about compromise Addison reminded herself giving in, “Fine. You are right, it won’t kill me to go fishing as long as you keep your promise of doing what I like.”

“What, go shopping, or maybe we have a spa day, or maybe you want me to book the penthouse suite at the Ritz Carlton, so we have all the space you want.” Derek mocked before noticing the tiniest look of hurt on Addie’s face.

“Volunteering, you have to come with me on Saturday to my battered women shelter.” Addison swallowed, trying to push back the hurt feelings, she couldn’t exactly be offended by his characterisation of her because she did want those things.

She wanted to go shopping with him or have a spa-day and spending the day in a five-star hotel, not staying in this trailer sounded heavenly so she really shouldn’t be hurt that he guess those things about her.

“I didn’t mean it like that” Derek apologised, except he had before he saw the way her lips pressed together into a thin line, he had meant it like that.

“It’s fine, all those things do actually sound nice” Addison waved of his semi-apology taking another bite of the ‘meat-lover’ pizza.

“Since when do you volunteer?” Derek asked, recollecting all the things he’d seen Addie do, and volunteering wasn’t one of them, the closet they had ever come to charity was when they donated money to whatever cause was being raised by their hospital.

“Since moving to Seattle” Addison bit out, “I have nothing better to do on my weekends, you avoid me, and the only one who wants to hang out is Mark, so I have no one here, no friends, family, book club. I can't just go to Savvy's or pop round to Liz for a catch-up” Addison replied back slowly “Anyway Nancy said I should find something to keep me busy or find something to help me connect to Seattle and there was a flyer at the hospital asking for volunteers, so I joined.”

“I…. I didn’t know that.”

Of course, you didn’t because that would require you to pay attention to me Addison thought bitterly “I’ve only been doing it for a month but as I was saying I’ll go fishing if you come volunteering with me, once a month.” She finished getting them back on track.

“How about we go on date night more often, once a week” Derek offered, he knew that asking her to move to Seattle was a big deal, forget giving up he practices she’d given up everyone she knew just for him.

“I don’t need you to pity me.” Addison snapped draining her ginger ale, why the hell didn’t the have Vodka in the trailer.

“Could you not.” Derek sighed, he hadn’t taken offence to the whole tell me you love me rule, so why was she so offended by date night.

“Could you not.”

“I’m not trying to pick a fight.”

“Tell that to the condescending look on your face.”

“Whatever, we have our rules now, we don’t have to go on any dates” Derek snapped, angrily shoving the pizza box towards her “I’m taking Doc for a walk feel free to keep pouting.”

Things were never easy with Addison even when they were starting to get along she had to just take offence to an imaginary slight against her.

x.x.x.x

Derek came back from walking Doc to hearing plates smashing and Addison cursing up a storm, “What’s going on?” Derek asked, taking in the sight of the tiny kitchen, it looked like a bomb had gone off.

Addison was standing barefoot by the stove, a bowl of pancake mix in one hand and a whisk in another, “You are not meant to be back yet, keep walking Doc.”

Derek sighed, closing the door leaving Doc outside, he didn't want him to come in and walk on the broken glass. “Addison.” 

“I was trying to make you something to eat, but this stupid trailer is so small, and the stove doesn’t work, and there are eggshells in the batter” Addison frowned scooping out yet another shell.

“Can I ask why you suddenly want to be Martha Stewart after all these years.”

“If your mum can’t shame me into becoming a Step-Ford wife after sixteen years you can’t get far.”

“I’m not trying to shame you” Derek corrected walking over and carrying Addison over the mess on the floor and placing her in the booth out of harms way, but not before taking out his phone and snapping a picture of Addison barefoot and ‘cooking’ Savvy and Weiss would laugh themselves silly over this. “I was just wondering what has inspired this need to cook for me.”

“Delete that” Addison ordered, she knew precisely what Derek had planned for that picture. “It’s meant to be an apology breakfast, I know you were trying with the whole date night idea; I want us to do it, but I don’t want us to do it because you feel sorry for me.”

“I wasn’t asking because of that-” 

“Really?” Addison asked half hopeful, half sceptical watching Derek get the dustpan and brush to sweep up the broken plate.

“That wasn’t the only reason. I promised to try, I need to get to know you again. I want to know the Addison who volunteers. If Seattle can change me, it can do the same for you.”

Addison blushed witnessing the sincerity on Derek’s face she got a warm feeling in the pit of her stomach when he smiled at her like that, she really wanted to kiss him.

“Why don’t you?” Derek questioned.

“Why don’t I what?”

“Kiss me.”

Addison brows furrowed she didn’t remember saying it aloud, but she must have because Derek’s grin was getting even bigger watching her. “Not a single word Shepherd.”

“Well if you are not going to kiss me I just have to kiss you.” Derek teased leaving the broken plate on the floor as he went to kiss Addison.

“Stop, stop” Addison pulled back after ten minutes “We are going to miss lunch if we keep this up” she reminded him.

“So we miss lunch; you can just buy me an apology lunch at the hospital” Derek mentioned pulling Addison back into the bedroom.

“Wait, wait” Addison called out, putting a stop to the proceedings “This wasn’t just an apology meal… I… In the spirit of not keeping things bottled up and telling you my problems I have to tell you that the comment about what I wanted to do on ‘my day’ that actually hurt me, I know it’s something I genuinely want to do but the way you said it. That was you being a dick, you were a dick.”

“I know, I know.” Derek acknowledges getting serious as well, “It was an arsehole comment to make, and I am sorry for making it, I’ll try to stop.”

“That’s like asking you to stop breathing.”

“Passive-aggressive comment.” Derek pointed out.

“Well, I am the Queen,” Addison smirked.

“That makes me the king.”

“Thanks for apologising.”

x.x.x

* * *

“I don’t get married people” Yang stated from their table as the watched the Shepherd’s having lunch together, “How can they go from shouting one minute about affairs and rendezvous in the woods to sharing food, isn’t she scared that it’s poisoned?”

“No idea” Karev agreed, watchingAddison drained half of Derek’s drink and dropping a peck on his cheek before rushing off. “It’s like they’d got body snatched overnight and turned into a functioning couple who have lunch together.” 

Karev was still baffled, this was the second day in a row that the Shepherds had had lunch together, there had been no argument, bickering or dirty looks and they had even shared a case that morning, both parties were perfectly civil even friendly to one another.

“That’s because you two have never been married, never had that privilege, no matter how much you want to strangle them at the end of the day there are still the same person you vowed to love for better or worse” Miranda preached, dropping down the patient file next to Yang’s tray, “Now if you are done gossiping and worrying about the Shepherds, Yang you and I are on the Ortho case in about an hour finish up here and meet me in the patient’s room in twenty minutes,” Bailey ordered leaving again.

“I really thought he would choose Meredith,” Yang spoke again, staring over at the Derek.

“You did?”

“You didn’t?”

“I… all I really know is marriage is complicated, but he had a choice Meredith or Addison, and he chose Addison.” 

“Only because they are already married.” Yang mentioned remembering the excuse Derek had given Meredith ‘she’s my wife’ not an ‘I love her’ or ‘I want her’ but ‘she’s my wife’.

“Does it matter why he chose Addison, he still chose her”

“Yes but he never stopped seeing Meredith.”

“He's playing them both. Derek chooses Addison but keeps going back to Meredith he knows Addison won't leave because she fucked up the first time and Meredith won't leave because he does his whole McDreamy act on her and she's amazed by his surgical skills that she's not thinking straight."

x.x.x

* * *

“So how is it going,” Dr Snedal asked at the end of the week, it was only Friday the second of their three therapy session this week, they had another one scheduled mid-day Sunday.

“It had been a stressful week for me at work, but Derek was there, which I appreciated.” Addison informed, “We had a date night, and we came up with the rules like you suggested.” 

“And what about you Derek.”

“Addison and I are getting along better. We’ve agreed to complete honesty about everything, and we’ve decided to not bring up the past if it’s not relevant.”

“What about emotionally, where do you two stand.”

Addison chose to answer the question for them making sure to smile while doing so, “We are good.” 

“Really?” Dr Snedal questioned looking at their body language, they were as far from each other as they could be without actually having to move their chairs.

“Yep” Derek agreed, they were a lot closer than before, they had no problem being together.

“I will be blunt if you make me” Dr Snedal warned, he’d taken to doing that, going all ‘blunt’ in his assessment.

“We are good.” Derek insisted. “We’ve gone on a date this week, and we even had to work together on a case. This coming week is the last week of having Meredith as my intern.”

“And you Addison anything to add.”

“I liked date night,” Addison muttered crossing her legs.

“Okay, I’ve heard enough.”Dr Snedal sighed shaking his head “I’m glad that both of you are physically there for each other, but emotionally you might as well be living on a different planet. Having sex with each other doesn’t mean anything if it did no one would be having one-night stands. You two need to be there for each other emotionally. 

Derek, you have been physically and emotionally absent from this marriage for years now, and Addison sleeping with your husband’s best friend created massive emotional damage to your relationship not only that you need to start trusting Derek with the emotional stuff it's why I've been telling you to talk to him about your problems.

Trust that he would be there to support you.

Being emotionally vulnerable to your spouse is hard, but you two need to start working on opening up.

Also, cut the crap; I’m not buying this whole ‘kumbaya’ everything is all good facade, I would actually prefer it if you were arguing, at least then you would be telling each other what’s wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like Addison and Derek are grinning and baring it. Faking it till they make it but there aren't fooling the season professional, you can't just plaster over the cracks and pretend that it isn't there.
> 
> Derek did have a couple of moments of break through and being nice towards his wife but would that be enough in the grand scheme of things.


	6. I am married

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison begins to set roots down in Seattle while Derek survives an elevator ride with Meredith. In between all that the Shephered survive a luncheon with Mark or is it the other way round.

  


“So how did the game compare to the Yankees?” Preston asked once he and Addison had been seated, they had chosen to get dinner after the game instead of just going back home.

  


“Full disclosure, I was never a big fan of baseball, Derek, Mark and the whole Shepherd clan love it, but I was just happy going to the opera. When you are the sole voice of dissent at thanksgiving you kinda end up doing what everyone wants, it is nice not having twenty other people trying to explain the game to me.”

  


“You hate baseball, then why did you say yes.” Preston wondered, it was so rare for surgeons to get days off so why Addison would use hers to go to a baseball game when she hated it was beyond him.

  


“Because you are probably one of the few people who asked me to hang out after work” Addison admitted, “and because you look like you want someone to hang out with.”

  


“I do?”

  


“Yes, you do. You went to Stevens for thanksgiving and helped her cook a turkey, invited Grey over to your apartment, helped O'Malley practices his sutures. What I listen to hospital gossip when it's not about me.” Addison confessed, “My point is you've been looking for a friend someone to hang out with, and so have I, I need a friend.”

  


“So you want to be friends.”

  


Addison nodded, "I want to be friends, plus baseball isn't so bad.” 

  


“I like the opera as well, we can go see a show together.”

  


“Good” Addison smiled, Burke may be a bit of a stickler for rules, but he was good company 

  


“Great. So how are things going between you and Shepherd.”

  


“We are working on it. What about you and Yang how's that going?”

  


“Everything is okay, she wants to spend the weekend at the hospital getting in as many surgeries as she can.”

  


Addison snorted because she could believe it. 

  


Of course, Yang would give up a day with her boyfriend to do more surgeries, “She reminds me of Derek you know surgeries being the be-all and end-all of all things in their life; hopefully she learns to prioritise better.”

  


“Really,” Preston asked, intrigued.

  


“Derek once spent a full week in the hospital doing back to back surgeries and consults just because I booked a holiday to the Bahamas.”

  


“That is something Christina would do.” Preston freely admitted

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


Christina found herself lounging on the Ortho ward waiting for her attending to show his face, she was promised a surgery, interesting surgeries but instead, all she had seen was a broken leg which was later placed into a cast then an arm out of the socket which she popped back in.

  


No surgeries, no interesting cases and she was using her eighty-hour limit on the most boring man alive while Burke got to enjoy beer, sunshine and baseball.

  


“I am so glad that I will be out of the plastic next week, all Sloan does is flirt and send me to get coffee for him. So where is Dr Chang?” Izzie asked looking around not seeing the man anywhere, she hadn't really seen him all week.

  


“He is around somewhere; coughing up dust the man is such a bore I don't know how he's the head of Ortho. I can't wait to move onto Neuro.”

  


“Really? I thought you hated Shepherd.”

  


“Trust me, you will be glad to move on after a week in Ortho…. So do you really hate Meredith or are you just working through somethings.”

  


“Look I get that Meredith is your 'person' and that you have to defend her, but you didn't walk into that room with us Shepherd was crying. How would you feel in Burke started dating a porter and you have to work with her.”

  


“It's not the same thing, Meredith never knew about Addison.”

  


“The first time.” Izzie corrected, “Meredith didn't know about Addison the first time, but she knows now, and she was kissing him a week ago. She has been complaining that Addison stole her McDreamy away do you realised how messed up that is?” Izzie questioned shifting from one foot to the other, “Addison is married to Derek if anything Meredith is the thief.” Izzie stated bitterly.

  


“Okay, what is going on with you?” Yang asked this was a lot bigger than Meredith kissing McDreamy.

  


“Nothing.” Izzie denied, “I'm fine, I am just wondering how you can stand here defending her when she keeps making the same mistake.”

  


“Izzie-”

  


“I've got to go Sloan told me to get a coffee for him.” With that poor attempt of a lie, Izzie made her way off the ward.

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


“There you go Abigail, spa weekend bought and paid for, and you can choose one weekend to have off next month.”

  


“What are you doing?” Preston asked, watching Addison hand over an envelope to one of the nurses.

  


“Giving my top nurse a gift to thank her for her hard work.” Addison replied back after finishing her interaction with Abi, “You might want to try that.”

  


“But why?”

  


“They've just come back from striking because of the way they are treated for one, and for another it makes the nurses on my ward the happiest in the entire hospital.”

  


“That because you are bribing them, you do know they get paid for being here.” Preston pointed out, he'd caught a glimpse of the spa Addison had chosen as a gift, and it was one of the high-end ones. Preston himself had looked into booking a couple massage for Christina and himself, but of course, it hadn't worked out.

  


“Attitude like that is why none of your nurses wants to any overtime on your ward,” Addison stated, behind psych and a few other cardiac was one of the worst department in the hospital when it came to nurses coverage

  


“Sloan!” Burke called out waving Mark over, “Did you know Shepherd is giving out spa packages to the nurses?”

  


“Yeah, she stole the idea from me, I've been giving my nurses-”

  


“A case of STD?” Addison slipped in cheerfully.

  


“I've slept with you.”

  


“Don't remind me,” Addison grumbled stealing the strawberry yoghurt off of Mark's tray as retaliation, plus Mark didn’t even like strawberry.

  


"As I was saying the nurses on my ward gets a voucher to the hair salon.”

  


“And the Neuro nurses get one for the nail salon” Derek slid in dropping a kiss on Addison's head before taking the last seat at the lunch table avilable, which unfortunately was also next to Mark.

  


Derek had seen Addison having lunch with Burke and was about to make his way out the door when he heard Burke calling Mark over. 

  


It wasn't like he was in competition with Mark or that he was even threatened by him having lunch with Addison, especially in the middle of the hospital, where everything the two of them would do will be repeated, directed and reported for analysis by the entire hospital.

  


Derek wasn't jealous or threatened; he just didn't want people talking about Addison, he was helping her out.

  


“Seriously, you all do this,” Preston asked wondering why any of them would spend the time or money doing this year-round, there was such a thing as Christmas bonuses.

  


“Yeah, we did it in New York, I don't see why we can't in Seattle.” Derek supplied placing the extra banana he grabbed for later onto Addison's tray, if he didn't keep 'sneaking' fruit into her meal, she would never have any.

  


“That was all private practices with ten nurses top, this is a hospital with over eighty of them how are you guys even affording this?” Burke asked he knew being a surgeon paid well but not enough to be handing out top-end spa days as if they were tic-tac.

  


“Well, I only do it for the nurses on my ward, and it's only going to the top-performing nurse of the month. Either the nurses choose who they want it to go to, or I just pick someone.” Addison said, taking a bite of her chicken burger, she was trying not to draw attention to the fact that Derek and Mark were both sat at a table just eating lunch.

  


She was also pretending not to see or hear how the noise in the cafeteria dropped several octaves the moment Derek sat down, as much as she hated to Addison silently had to thank Bizzy for all her lessons in controlling her facial expression.

  


Addison noted Preston look of surprised as both men just sat and ate lunch, she gently shook her head stopping Preston from saying something, this was a very precarious situation, and one word could have Derek storming off or could lead to a fight.

  


“Am I the only one who doesn't do this?” Preston asked instead of questioning Derek about his seat choice. 

  


“More like we are the only three doctors who do, plus we can afford it.” Derek contributed.

  


“That is true.” Addison smiled, she had been waiting for a chance to bring this up, and Derek had finally given her an opening. Moreover, it would give Derek and Mark something to bicker about like they always did, “It really doesn't hurt to be the highest-paid head of department at this hospital.”

  


“No.” Mark denied his mouth hanging open. 

From year to year, each one of their practices always made different earnings, but for the last two years, Mark's had been the top earner out of the three of them. He couldn’t believe he lost the spot… to babies of all people.

  


“There's no way you earn more than me,” Derek argued.

  


“I earn at least ten percent more than any of you.” Addison bragged, taking a sip of water.

  


“How? Richard can’t-”

  


“Oh, it wasn't Richard, do you even know how much people in my field earn.”

  


“Plastic is a **_multi-billion_** dollar industry.” Mark defended.

  


“So is Neuro.” Derek countered

  


“And Cardiac, I deal with people's heart, living beating heart..” Preston chimed in.

  


“Screw the heart, I am talking about the brain, people need their brains to live, to do anything,” Derek said dismissively, “the brain controls the heart. If you are brain dead you are dead, if your heart stops working you can get a new one”

  


“I deal with their faces. Do you know how much money people spend to look better?”

  


As the men kept bickering about which one of their jobs was more important, Addison just sat back, enjoying the moment feeling smug. 

  


As right as they were about how important their jobs were, nothing tugged at the heartstrings more than vulnerable children.

  


“Sorry to just leave in the middle of this fascinating conversation but Richard is letting me scrub in on one of his surgeries… but just a thought if I'm the highest-paid person at this table who's second?” Addison smiled, dropping a quick kiss on Derek's lip before making her escape.

  


That should keep Mark and Derek arguing about paychecks instead of the fact that Mark slept with her, although she did feel bad for doing this to Burke as well.

  


If they were back in New York Addison would have to plan an activity for both Derek and Mark as a way to 'compensate' for her earning, but they weren't in New York they were in Seattle.

She wasn't even sure if she could do something for Mark now, maybe send him a gift card to… It was best to leave things alone, one happy lunch didn’t mean everything was fixed.

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


“Did you know Shepherd is the highest-paid department head at the hospital” Preston walked into the bedroom to ask angrily flossing his teeth.

  


“Who Derek? He is head of neurology so I guess that makes sense.”

  


“No, Addison, she's the highest-paid.”

  


“Did Webber tell you this?”

  


“She did, at lunch.”

  


“Then how do you know she's not lying.”

  


“Because she's not, I confronted Richard about it, and he just gave me some excuse about not disclosing personal information,” Burke grumbled walking back into the bathroom to dispose of the dental floss in the bin. “Oh and her interview yesterday got someone to donate three-quarters of a million pounds to the hospital which is practically a million dollars.”

  


“And you are pissed about this?” Yang questioned not understanding why Burke was in a mood over a donation to the hospital.

  


“It's been less than twenty-four hours since her interview, and someone has already set up a Go fund me page for the Quints, it already has twenty-thousand dollars in there. In l_ess than_ twenty-four hours.” Preston repeated in case she hadn't heard the first time.

  


“Are you trying to tell me you want to switch to obstetrics?” Christina joked closing her medical encyclopaedia and switching off the bedside lamp.

  


“I'm saying that we should all earn the same amount as head of departments.”

  


“Wait,” Yang couldn't believe it, “Last week when you found out that you are earned more than the head of psych you were happy, but you have a problem with Shepherd earning more than you.”

  


“I don't have a problem, I've been here longer.”

  


“Dr Wilson has been at the hospital for twenty years; way longer than you and you were still happy to earn more than her.”

  


“What are you saying?” Preston questioned wondering where Christina was going with her statement.

  


“You had no problem earning more than another head of department so you shouldn't have a problem with someone earning more than you.” Christina explained getting distracted and forgetting to ask about the fact that Shepherd and Sloan had lunch together.

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


Derek walked into the elevator feeling tired, he and sixteen others had just pulled off a twelve-hour surgery slowly and carefully reconstructing someone's spinal cord.

  


Derek was so tired that he could not be bothered to make small talk; even with Meredith.

  


Three glorious days where he didn't have to see or smell the hospital in any way shape or form, he might even go hiking.

  


“You are getting along with her,” Meredith stated as the elevator door closed, they were the only two in it so she could talk freely without anyone overhearing and gossiping about it. “What does it mean?”

  


“It means I am getting along with her."

  


“But you kissed me.”

  


“I know” Derek sighed, leaving the sentence just as it was he knew what he did, why he did it.

  


“You chose her, but you kissed me.”

  


“I KNOW!” Derek snapped, staring at the elevator light as it went down a floor, he didn't need a reminder of what he's been doing. “It's complicated, getting along with her isn't the hard part.”

  


“Then what is?”

  


Derek reached over, pulling the stop button causing the elevator to stop in between floors, there wasn't enough time to finish this conversation in just one ride even if it was the world's slowest elevator. “Meredith… I chose her.” Derek sighed instead, swiftly avoiding the question.

  


"I know that. I _knew_ that.” She amended because as much as she tried to say the kiss didn't mean anything, it meant something, “But then you had to go kiss me. You complicated things for me by kissing me, and now I'm trying to uncomplicate them.”

  


“How? By asking me questions.”

  


“By figuring out why you did it. Why would you kiss me?”

  


“You know why.” _Because I can't let go of you._

  


“No, I don’t” Meredith denied. “I don't know because you chose her, but you kept coming back to me, it's not really choosing her; it's just…”

  


“Meredith.”

  


“You don't get to do that! You don't get to act like this is hard for you is not. It's hard for me, people are talking about me again, the nurses and the porters and the lunch ladies. I am being talked about because of you.”

  


“Because I kissed you.”

  


“Yes, be-”

  


“And you kissed me.” Derek pointed out, turning to look at her “You kissed me back, it wasn't just me on those walks, you came as well, and you kissed me back.”

  


“You are the one whose married.”

  


“And you knew that. You knew it, and you still came, you still kissed me as well.” Derek repeated because it was necessary, she needed to realise that she had kissed him as well, she wanted him just as much he wanted her. 

  


“I shouldn't have.”

  


“You don't mean that.” Derek replied, he could see it in her eyes.

  


“I do. I shouldn't have kissed you. I became the mistress, I made myself a mistress, and that's on me.”

  


Derek was about to say he didn't regret the kiss, his lips were already open.

The sentences already forming on his tongue but he remembered the look on Addison's face, the heartbroken look when she was talking about Derek kissing Meredith.

  


Then a flash of from that morning, of Addison wrestling her shoes from Doc, the image was enough to still Derek's tongue, it was enough to give him pause.

  


Addison was trying, and Derek wanted to try as well, they were 'getting along' it's been a couple of days with no arguments or fighting between them. 

Derek sighed taking a step back, he hadn’t even realised how close they gotten during their talk, close enough to touch her if he wanted to.  “I am sorry for kissing you…. This is your last week as my intern we can just get through it and avoid each other.”  


It left a bitter taste in his mouth doing this to Meredith it really did, but Addison was here she was trying and so would he. 

  


Rule one; no seeing the exes or putting yourself in situations you know your spouse wouldn't like. 

  


Derek reached over to stop button just as Meredith's hand touched the button, it ended up with their fingers intertwined over the button neither of them moving just staring at their hands.

  


Five seconds, Derek kept his hands there for five seconds before moving away.

  


“I'm not married, but even I know that marriage shouldn't be this hard,” Meredith whispered before pressing the button so they would start moving again.

  
They rode the rest of the way down in complete silence with Derek back pressed against the back of the elevator while Meredith stood right by the door.

“You are right. You are not married, I am.” Derek called out as Meredith began walking away.

He wasn’t even sure why he did it, maybe as a reminder to her or to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Derek has passed the first test, he took a step back and he remembered that he was married but does this really mean anything.
> 
> Either way it is a step in the right direction for Team Addek.
> 
> Comments and reviews are appreciated.


	7. Friendly Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison and Derek go to dinner. Derek receives some friendly advice and Addison comes to a decision that changes things.

  


It was the second day of Derek’s three days off and, the couple were finally having their date night before heading back home, “So how was work?” Derek quizzed, taking a sip of water.

  


Addison had chosen the restaurant so their date night would double as her treating Derek for earning more than him.  “Good, Preston agreed to let me scrub in on another surgery next week.”

  


“I’ve meant to talk to you about that, you’ve got to admit it weird.”

  


“Don’t see why it would be, the interns get to scrub in on different surgeries all the time get to change things up. I wanted to do the same thing.”

  


“So it’s about the intern” Derek pointed out, but he obviously meant ‘_so it’s about Meredith’_.

  


Addison couldn’t help but roll her eyes at the statement, “Not everything I do is about the interns Derek. In an emergency, I would like to be more useful than telling a woman when to push.”

  


“You do more than that.” Derek corrected, luckily it didn’t come out as patronising.

“I know I do Derek.” Addison huffed, “There was a bomb in the hospital. A _bomb_ and all I could do was… I am so glad I could be there for Bailey and her baby, but I never want to be in a situation where I am only good at one thing. Where I can only do one thing,” Addison confessed, “I just… I want to be better, not because of the interns but for me. **I** want to be better, so the next time our hospital is under attack, I could do more.”

  


“Addison.” Derek frowned, his face filled with concern before clearing up, “Do you know how amazing you are? Being a surgeon and OBGYN is just a skill you have an amazing skill but- I fell in love with you the day you took Amy to get her ears pierced.” Derek said, randomly changed the subject, “You are amazing and beautiful and funny and maybe the best person I have ever met.  You go through a bomb exploding, and you decide to learn heart surgery in case a patient needs you the next time, and you learn general surgery. My point is you don’t need to be better; I’m actually going to hate you if you become any better.” Derek joked, he actually loved how capable and confident Addison was at life.

  


“You kinda already hate me.” Addison pointed out.

  


“I don’t hate you. I hate what you did.” Derek clarified his hand unconsciously reaching for hers and linking them together, “but I love-”

  


“Tuna tartare for the lady and tomato soup for the gentleman.” The waiter interrupted setting down their starters, “I will be back shortly with the wine pairing for the main meal.”

  


Derek cleared his throat before pulling his hands back and grabbing the spoon while Addison sat the silently begging him to finish that sentence to say he loved her, that he still loved her.

  


The aborted confession somehow hurt more than his admission of being in love with Grey. 

  


Derek had no issue in revealing that he loved another woman, but when it came to Addison when it came to telling his own wife that he loved her Derek used any excuse not to say the words.

  


This was the closest he came in all these months to willingly saying it, and now he was eating soup. 

  


Him saying I love you because of her rules didn’t count.

  


“I told you saying you love me will get you to remember” Addison smirked swallowing down any residue pain she felt after all this was progress. Addison will take a half aborted attempt of I love you over any full confession of loving Meredith Grey any day of the week.

  


“Want to try some, it’s good.” Derek offered his soup bowl over.

  


Addison looked down at the soup bowl then back up to Derek before shaking her head, “No thanks, I’m good” Addison answered before grabbing her fork.

  


“I’ve been thinking now that we both live here maybe we should look into selling the brownstone.”

  


“I, oh..” Addison blinked utterly thrown off, she hadn’t realised that Derek was interested in selling, “Maybe, can we talk about it after dinner?” Addison asked swallowing the lump in her throat. 

  


“Of course, we can look into realtors when we get home.” Derek prepositioned, focusing intently on the diminishing bowl of soup in front of him.

  


“I thought we would keep it, if we ever went back we would have our own place.”

  


“Why is just sitting there empty, we should sell it.”

  


“What if we go back for Easter, I know how much you hate living in a hotel.”

  


“If we ever go back we can always stay with one of the girls.” Derek replied tersely, it was his doing, but they _had_ wandered into dangerous territory talking about Boston, “but that shouldn’t be a problem because I’m never going back.”

  


“Not a problem. Nance, Liz and Kat all have children we can’t just crash at their place for God knows how long.” Addison began tearing apart his argument before her mind caught up to the latter half of his statement. “What do you mean, not going back.” Addison frowned, dropping her fork.

  


“I mean I am never stepping foot in that house and I have no plans of even visiting New York or Boston ever again.”

  


“You _can’t_ be serious.”

  


“I am absolutely serious,” Addison probably looked unattractive with her mouth gaping open as it was, but she was truly surprised by what Derek was saying.

“Why would I want to ever want to go back to the place you screwed Mark. That was our old life this is our new one.”

  


“Our life is there. Yes, I agreed to move here to make a new start, but that didn’t mean that I planned on never going back-”

  


“You can do whatever you like. I won’t be going back with you.” Derek responded back snidely finishing his bowl of tomato soup.

  


Before Addison could counter a respond their waiter came back with the wine Addison had chosen earlier, it went well with both their main course, “Sorry about the wait the sommelier had to go digging this out of the cupboard so to speak. He really happy someone has good taste in wine he-”

  


“Thank you. We’ll just wait for our first course now.” Addison grinned effectively and polity dismissing the girl.

  


“Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry” the girl blushed, leaving the wine behind before running off.

  


“You can’t seriously expect me to _never _go back.” Addison continued without missing a beat.

  


“I don’t like I said you can do whatever you want, but I’m not going back there.”

  


“So what you are never going to see Nance, Savvy, the kids, _your mum_ ever again because you have _bad _memories. 

  


“I walked in on you having sex with Mark in our bed.” Derek hissed across the table, “I’ll say that’s more than just a bad memory. If the girls want to see us, they can just buy a plane ticket and come here.”

  


“Fine. I wouldn’t argue with you any more.” Addison conceded giving up, “You don’t ever want to come to Boston or New York you don’t have to. I’ll go for the Christmases and birthday and all the other Shepherd clan celebrations by myself, it’s not like it would be much of a difference in the status quo.” 

  


Addison wanted to point out just how childish Derek was right now, he was going to avoid everyone they knew, everything from their past because of one bad experience.

  


It was either a testament to how stubborn Derek was or just how badly she’d hurt him, and Addison couldn’t decide which it was.

A significant part of Addison wanted to point out the fact that she herself had her own share of bad memories, _everyone did_, but that didn’t stop her from getting on with life.

  


Addison didn’t avoid the woods around the trailer just because she saw Derek and Meredith kissing against a tree.

  


She didn’t even avoid the trailer where no doubt her husband had slept with Meredith Grey (on numerous occasion).

  


As a matter of fact, Addison had put on her big girl panties and had taken Doc on a walk the very next day, she had moved into the trailer knowing what had most likely occurred on the linens she slept on.

  


Derek wanted to say a lot of things about how he was tired of fighting with Addison or how not going to Boston or New York was a valiant attempt to put everything behind him. 

  


He wanted to tell her how he didn't even mean half the things he was saying. 

  


He wanted to change the subject and talk about how beautiful she looked tonight or maybe actually tell her a part of him didn't think he could ever move forward if he went back there.

  


Derek considered the Eastern coast of the US to be a nuclear wasteland where nothing good existed.

  


It was fair to say that the dinner ended in disaster.

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


“You could have just said it, said you love me” Addison spoke into the early hours of the morning, Derek was still lost in slumber.

  


A many number of things irritated her about their failed date night Derek refusal to ever go back was near the top of the list but right at the top was the fact that he hadn’t said he loved her. 

  


That little thought roamed around her brain until it pushed everything else aside and became the only thought in her head. Derek’s inability to say he loved her without being forced to because of her rule was a problem, a major problem.

  


Addison considered waking Derek up and unburdening herself before quickly dismissing the idea; if she did that, he would only accuse her of being passive-aggressive in her method. 

  


It didn’t escape her notice that by not talking, she was breaking the ‘no keeping things bottled up rule’ and the being emotionally open to your spouse rule.

  


Addison wasn’t going to win either way so she might as well save herself an argument.

  


Addison couldn’t stay in bed any longer so decided to get an early start into work, she quickly scribbled a note on a post-it and stuck it onto the fridge for Derek to see once he woke up.

  


“Bye Doc, go keep daddy company,” Addison instructed scratching behind the dog's ears before letting him into the trailer on her way out.

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


Derek had laid there listening to Addison moving around and getting ready for work, she had mastered getting ready in the dark inside a 'sardine can' a few weeks ago.

  


Once Derek was unable to hear the sound of the car, he rolled over and grabbed his phone placing a call to one of the few people who may understand what he was going through, “Weiss.” Derek sighed into the phone as soon as the man picked up.

  


“What’s up?” Weiss asked, after years of friendship, he knew Derek’s voice and what each tone meant. “What did you do?”

  


“I really fucked up.”

  


“Derek!”

  


“I didn’t mean to, she was just so down on herself, and I couldn’t help-”

  


“So you slept with Grey? What the fuck is wrong with you” Weiss asked disgusted getting the completely wrong end of the stick, “You know what don’t call me again. I am tired of hearing about Grey or any of your bull shit, you knew the chick for two months-”

  


“I didn’t SLEEP WITH MEREDITH!” Derek screamed down the line cutting off Weiss’s tirade, “I didn’t. I still love her, but I’m not going to do that to Addison.” Derek confessed glossing over how tempted he was to kiss Meredith just two days ago.

  


“I don’t-”

  


“I nearly told Addison that I loved her.” Derek scrubbed his face with one hand and walking outside to smell the fresh morning air. “I was telling her, and the waiter came and I just- I keep fucking it up with her. I didn’t even realise I was still in love with her until she started talking about how useless she was, and all I could think about was how amazing she was. You know she started volunteering right” Derek continued getting out of bed, “She’s doing this women’s shelter thing and I just-”

  


“What is your point?” Weiss asked, walking towards his car if he left now he could make it in time for Savvy’s consult with the plastic surgeon.

  


“I don’t know. I just know I keep hurting Addie and Meredith and I love them both. I know you don’t want to hear it” Derek continued ignoring Weiss’s very loud prominent scoff at his admissions loving Meredith, “but I love Meredith, and up until last I didn’t even realise that I loved Addie as well.”

  


“Derek.”

  


“Fine.” Derek sighed finally ready, to tell the truth, “Remember how the therapist said me and Addie do stupid things to ruin the relationship, well I did that. Last night, after I nearly told Addie that I loved her, I basically told her that I was never stepping foot out of Seattle just to start a fight and now I don’t know what to do.”

  


“Then listen to me. Forget Meredith Grey ever existed and forgive Addie for cheating. Forgive her for breaking your heart and move on and if you can’t… if you can’t, you need to let Addison go.” Weiss advised, he felt like he was betraying Addison, but in all honesty, this was probably the best advice Weiss could give Derek.

  


He and Sav had had many a conversation about what was going on with their best friends.

  


Over the months Weiss could hear how Addison lost a piece of herself the longer Derek strung her along. “If you can’t forgive her, let her go,” Weiss repeated. 

  


“It’s that simple?”

  


“Yeah, it _really_ is. _Truly_ forgiving Addie will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but I think she’s worth it and you probably do too, or else you won’t be up at five in the morning talking my ear off about your wife.” Weiss continued pulling out of parking garage into downtown traffic, he still had to go across town, but he would make it in time. “If you are not ready to forgive her at least stop picking fights just because you are getting along, it's the equivalent of pulling a girls ponytail, and that's just stupid. You are an adult, she's an adult and the things you are doing hurt more than a bruised scalp so get your act together. Tell Addison what you did last night, ask for forgiveness and tell her that you love her.”

  


x.x.x.x

* * *

  


“Hey” Addison greeted after a short rap on Derek’s door to announce her presence.

  


“Addie, is everything okay?” Derek questioned going from frustrated surgeon to concerned husband in a blink of the eye.

  


“Yeah, heard through the grape vines that you came in so wanted to come say hi" Addison begun then realising that she might be lying, “I -erm-”

  


“Dr Shepherd about my mum’s trail I- oh sorry” Meredith blushed, she obviously walked into the middle of something.

  


Addison impassive face studied Meredith for a few seconds before offering the girl a saccharine smile, “_This_ you apologise for. Wow, you interns really do have your priority all messed up.”

  


“Addison!” Derek chastised, it was quite hypocritical for Addison to expect an apology for a kiss _after_ she had a full blown affair with Mark. 

“Don’t worry, I’m already leaving. Have fun talking about Alzheimer's trail, guess I know what was so important that you gave up your day off.” Addison sniped before walking out.

  


“Hey, Hey” Derek called out chasing Addison out of his office, for a woman in heels she was able to outrun everyone else. “Addison nothing is going on between Meredith and me.”

  


“Great. Thanks for letting me know” Addison replied back stiffly, getting into the elevator before aggressively pressing the button for the doors to shut.

  


Derek step forward getting in the way of the door actually closing, “Wait.”

  


“Church and State.” Addison replied back, tartly, “We can talk inside the sardine can.

  


“I don’t understand why you are so pissed off” Derek stated, walking in and letting the lift close behind him.

  


“I can tell you, don’t.” Addison sighed, “Derek, I have patients to see, and you have a medical trail to talk about, so please let’s talk about this later.”

  


“Look about last night I should have-”

  


“I think I should move out” Addison blurted out, surprising herself and Derek, “I erm… It might be better for us if I move out, give you your own space to sort everything out.”

  


“Addie-”

  


“I get off work early tonight.” Addison informed reaching over and pressing the button for the very next floor a wave of nausea suddenly overcame her that it was taking everything in her not to throw up right now.

  


“What do you mean you want to move out?” Derek quizzed as the door opened as the door opened and Addison rushed out wanting to find the nearest bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Derek's finally got some advice but it may be a little too late since Addison now wants to call it quits or at least move out.


	8. Seperate ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Warning: Chapter contains some sensitive issues that may trigger some people especially as the topic of abortion is discussed as well as a touch of mental health issues]
> 
> Addison finally opens up to Derek about what is going on with her and willingly accepts his reaction. Derek has had yet another bomb shell dropped on him about Mark and Addison affair.
> 
> Preston makes a brief appearance to be a good friend to Addison.

“Are you going to tell me what’s really going on with you?” Derek asked for the third time this week once he got tired of sitting in silence. 

They were here because of her, technically he’d been the one to drag her onto the fishing boat after once she got home from work.

But, they were here because of her. Addison didn’t even put up a fight when he suggested that the do this before she packs, if she still wanted to pack her things.

There was a lot of things Addison was doing that she didn’t do before, it was more than the sleeping on the couch or the shrugging and scrubbing in to observe other people’s surgery…. Addison didn’t quit, she never gave up. 

Not once, not in the sixteen years, he knew her, not in the elven years of marriage.

There were a few absolute certainties in life, the sun would always come up in the morning, the night will always fall in the evening, and Addison Montgomery-Shepherd never quits, even when she’s meant to, even when everyone else would.

Addison doesn’t quit or walk away or walk out, so her asking to move out of the trailer was one red flag too many for Derek.

“Nothing” Addison shrugged.

“Addie” Derek chastised, his face doing the usually complicated scowl it did when he wasn’t sure which was the best way to get her to open up, force the issue or lay back and let her start talking. It seems he chose the former, “Complete honesty.” Derek chose to say reminding her of their rules, the rules which were hard to live by at times but they had both stuck to it as best as they could.

“You’re not going to like it.”

“I didn’t think I would,” Derek admitted.

“Say it.”

“What?”

“Say the thing,” Addison ordered fiddling with the straps on her life jacket, which was another thing she wouldn’t normally do.

Fiddle, Derek’s wife wasn’t a fiddler she has never been if anything Addison would normally clasp her hands together so, she didn’t fiddle.

“I’m not saying… It’s not an ultimatum, tit for tat” Addison clarified because it needed explaining, “I just- I’m going to say something, and you are going to get mad. Furious even, you’ll probably want a divorce definitely a separation.”  


“Why would-”

“Derek, say it. This may be the last chance for you to say it or for me to hear it because once I start-”

“I love you.” Derek cut in, he knew Addison enough to know when she was serious but more than that she knew him enough to always know exactly how he would respond to almost any given situation. So if she was saying that her news would lead to a divorce, then it would. “I’m in love with you, and I should have said it before now.”

“Okay, thanks for saying it,” Addison replied back smiling over, her hands slowly reaching over to grab him, to connect the two of them.

Addison just wanted to pause this moment, sit in it for as long as she could even if it was on a fishing boat, she was here with Derek on the water watching the sun slowly fade into the horizon. Addison wanted to stay like this for another ten minutes, but it wasn’t fair to let Derek wait anymore without finding out the truth. 

“I- erm. I don’t- I don’t think I’m okay, Derek.” Addison whispered into the wind knowing that from his position seated next to her he could still catch every syllable out of her mouth. “I, I’m struggling here.”

“Addie we-”

“Don’t talk. I need you not to say anything until I finished. I… I know I’m meant to be emotionally open with you, be vulnerable. It’s just- the thing that is making me feel like I’ve been flayed alive. It’s not something I can talk to _you_ about…. But I should. I’m going to because I need you to understand why I’m moving out. I love you as well, by the way, I don’t think I said that.” 

Derek tried to reach over to hold her hands again, but Addison saw it coming and pulled away, she saw the flash of hurt on his face before he could mask it and while she wanted to make everything better for him, she couldn’t.

“On the surface of things me saying I want to move out is because we live in such a tiny cramped metal shoe cupboard, but underneath that, it may have something to do with… I’m… I’m struggling with the fact that I had an abortion.”

Derek’s mind grounded to a halt, he didn’t know what he could say in response to that. What was there to say, Addison had gotten an abortion … “Was it?”

“Mark’s, it was _Mark’s_.” Addison quickly stressed, there was no way she was going to abort Derek’s child without at least telling him beforehand, although a small annoying part of her did pipe up and point out the fact that she did that to Mark.

“Did he force you to?”

“No. Nothing like that.” Addison continued rushing to Mark’s defence, “He wanted me to keep it. Even went out to buy a baby onesies, I just- I couldn’t. I didn’t want a child with him, but now I can’t... People get abortions all the time, I even recommend it sometime. They were just a bunch of cells, and I didn’t even want it so I can’t understand the fact why I’m struggling with this. I keep remembering, thinking about it-”

“Are you, do you. I don’t even know what to say. What do you even want me to say?” Derek asked harshly, his anger building up now that the information was settling in. “Do you expect me to _comfort_ you because you decided to get rid of Mark’s baby?”

“No,” Addison sighed, bearing the full brunt of his anger. If Meredith had been pregnant and Derek came to Addison with the issue, she would be just as angry and disgusted by his nerve. “I erm, it’s not about the- you wanted to know what was going on with me and this is it. I aborted Mark’s baby, and even though I know it’s the right decision, I didn’t think I will struggle with it this much. I’m struggling with the fact that I’m struggling.” Addison stated simply, because that was what it was, or at least she thought that was what it was. 

She was shocked that she was shocked, the abortion shouldn’t have had such a big impact on her. It wasn’t like this was the first time she had one so why was this different?

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, as Derek processed the implication; not only did she cheat, but she became pregnant, she had been pregnant with **_Mark’s_** child. 

The idea, the knowledge of that was an even bigger betrayal than her sleeping with Mark in the first place. 

The fact that the two of them could have had a child together…. “I woke up this morning planning on telling you I love you. Do you get that? Do you get what that means. I was willing and ready to forgive you, and I still didn’t have the full picture. You would have made me-”

“I didn’t make you do anything.”

“You came here, asking me to choose between you and Meredith _knowing_ I didn’t have all the information I needed.”

“Well, if it’s information you’re looking for then I guess you would want to know that we didn’t stop there. Mark and me I mean, it wasn’t just a one night stand. I moved in with him, we lived together.” Addison continued, her voice came out as tired because that’s what she was. 

Plus if she was going to confess about the abortion she might as well add in the affair on top of it. 

She couldn’t handle having to sit Derek down a few months or years down the line and telling him that as well.

“I’m still trying to figure out how a world-renounced, award-winning OBGYN allow herself to get pregnant by a walking STD bank but sure throw in an affair on top of that.”

No matter how tired Addison was, she always managed to give as good as she got, or at least she tried to. “I don’t know maybe is the same way you thought it was a good idea to have an affair with a first-year intern. People make mistakes.” Before Derek could respond and continue this cycle of verbal digs at one another, Addison decided to intervene if only so she could have some peace and quiet for a few minutes. “In the last year or so I have ruined our marriage, had an affair with Mark, got pregnant and had an abortion. Gave up my practices, gave up my life in New York, my friends, our family. I have moved thousands of miles across the country to try and win you back. Gone through a bomb exploding in our place of work and I am living in a sardine can trailer. I am drowning, and I am struggling and I can’t- I have no one to talk to, and it’s not like I’m going to get any sympathy from anyone else for getting rid of a bunch of cells, and as much as Mark is trying not to show it he hates me for doing it. Out of everything, the only thing I can truly change is where I live, so I’m moving out. You get to decide what happens to us next if you want a divorce I’ll give it to you, if you want a separation I’ll give you that too. There isn’t anything else I can really say to make you feel better, but at least now you know the whole story.”

x.x

* * *

Derek pulled Doc back and slammed the trailer door behind Addison as she walked out with her suitcase. She was the one who cheated and got pregnant with Mark’s child, and now she was walking away like the wounded victim.

Like he had somehow done _her_ a disservice by not standing by her and supporting her, while she dealt with the emotional trauma that came with aborting his best friend’s child.

Derek wasn’t about to stand there listening for a cab to come up the ‘drive way’, Addison was no longer his concern.

She could do whatever she wanted, just like he would be doing from now on, walking over to the fridge Derek ignored all the other ingredients in there and just pulled out the vodka swiftly opening the bottle and taking a giant swig out of it.

It tasted horrible, like pure spirit, and while he could have added the tomato juice or the Worcestershire sauce to it to make it into a Bloody Mary, he refused to do that just out of pure pettiness.

Derek had gotten all this for Addison, he had been planning on following Weiss’s advice telling Addison he loved her. Derek had all the ingredients to make her favourite cocktails from Screw-drivers to Cosmopolitans and White Russians but now she would never have it. 

x.x.

* * *

Addison didn’t even flinch when the door slammed shut, sure she would like to go back and apologise to Derek, but the likelihood of him accepting the apology or better yet them not devolving into a fight was slim to none.

This, this was as clean of a break up that they were ever going to get, the last time Derek had walked out after finding her sleeping with Mark. And this time Addison had been the one to leave after telling him about the affair and the pregnancy.

If someone was keeping a tally they may call it a draw but Addison felt that she lost both times, she didn’t even know what would happen between her and Derek next.

Would he ask for a divorce, was this now a separation? What about couples therapy? Would he even turn up in two days time?

Should she even expect him to or was that her being delusional?

There was a list of things left unsaid and unanswered between the two of them, but Addison couldn’t worry about that now because her cab was here ready to take her to the hotel.

She should walk away because there was nothing else left to say. She’d said all she could and Derek had given her his two cents on the matter on the drive back to the trailer before he asked her to leave.

Demanded that she went even, threw her clothes into a suitcase before shoving it at her, it was quite reminiscent of what happened in New York, except this time it wasn’t raining and the ‘house’ wasn’t as big.

There was nothing left to do, nothing else left to say, they’ve done therapy, made rules. Ignored their issues and even confronted their issues.

This was the end of the road, sixteen years of knowing each other, eleven years of being married. Two affairs, pregnancy and an abortion, it was what ended them.

  
They had a good run, no-one could say that they didn’t try.... but it just felt wrong. 

It felt wrong to give up like this, walking away.

Addison tried to comfort herself with the knowledge that Derek needed time and space to process what she had said, and she needed that as well to get a handle on her mental well-being.

Hell if by some miracle they made it through this, if Derek  _somehow_ managed to forgive her they would literally be able to make it through anything.  


x.x.x.x

* * *

Addison squinted against the harsh light of the morning sun as she crawled out of bed, trying to remember where her last saw her bra.

She remembered ordering a bottle of wine from room service once she got up to her room.

She vaguely remembers calling Mark and telling him that Derek knew everything and pointing out that she was now living in the same hotel as him but apart from that, the rest of the night was a blur.

The most important thing was that she didn’t repeat her mistake. 

Addison hadn’t slept with Mark so she could hold her head up high once she got into work or at least that was what she told herself.

In reality, Addison was dunking around corners and running into rooms to avoid Mark who seemed rather insistent on seeking her out.

“Okay, what is this?” Preston asked. He had waited on the other side of the door for Addison to come out having seen her run into the broom closet.

“Nothing” Addison lied, straightening her lab coat and starting to walk away.

“Really? Cause I saw you run and hide in there when Mark came around the corner, and he was asking about you. Said he’s been looking for you all day.”

Addison debated lying again, but her and Preston were on friendly terms plus she needed an ally in this hospital. “I _may _have told Derek the full extent of the one night stand and then told Mark that I told Derek so... I’m trying to avoid both of them, any and all help will be greatly appreciated.”

“And by full extent, you mean?”

“Two-month affair resulting in a pregnancy and an abortion,” Addison admitted shamefully, after double-checking to make sure there was no one else around who could hear her.

“Oh. I- OH!”

“Less of the shock and surprised look and more paging Mark for random consults, so he doesn’t come looking for me,” Addison ordered. 

“So, Derek…”

“Hates my guts, yes he does. On the bright side, I am no longer living in that trailer I get to enjoy all the creature comfort that the Marriott hotel provides.”

“Are you okay?”

“Well, my personal life may be a mess, but professionally I just learnt I have been nominated for the doctor of the year in my field so I’ll say fifty-fifty.”

“Okay, well if you need me just page,” Preston said, placing a comforting hand on Addison’s shoulder before walking away.

While Preston may not be physically affectionate with her, Addison didn’t doubt that the man at least cared about her well-being.

That statement was further supported by him waiting for her at the end of their shifts to drag her to Joe’s for a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being away for so long but this is such a hard chapter to write because of the abortion issue. i know it is a polarising and touchy subject for many people so I was trying to be sensitive to all who may find this issue to be triggering.
> 
> Looks like Addek may be going the separate ways for now but at least this time Addison was the one to tell Derek about the baby and the affair who knows if that will make a difference. Can they come back from this? Is there much of a difference between an one night stand and being pregnant, Addison could have become pregnant after just one go.
> 
> Did Derek handle this right? Did Addison? What about Mark, what are his thought on this whole situation?


	9. Accepting the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all have to face up to reality one way or another.

The news about Addison and Derek’s separation came along with the subtlety of a nuclear bomb. That’s what it’d felt like watching Derek and Mark going toe to toe because of the affair, pregnancy and the subsequent abortion in the middle of the hospital, just under a month ago. 

And like all bombs (nuclear or otherwise) there was a massive fallout; it was felt and seen all the way on the east coast. 

The sad, twisted and quite frankly pathetic part of Addison had relished in the fight while it was happening. Finally, Derek was fighting for her, he was punching Mark because of Addison, that joyous feeling had lasted all of five seconds before Derek had blurted out about her abortion.

Addison could track the ripple effect of the fight; the first effect happened seconds later, people had changed their opinion about who she was. She was always going to be _that_ Addison Shepherd who slept with her husband best-friend but now they had added ‘_got pregnant and aborted a baby’_ to their internal report whenever they thought of her or described her.

An added effect of people consciously and perhaps unconsciously changing their view of Addison was how her position to be the next Chief of Surgery was hanging on by a razor-thin rope. It wasn’t a given, and of course, Richard would never come out and say it, but the hospital and the general board of directors all had an image to protect and to allow a ‘baby-killing’ adulterer to be their next Chief of Surgery wasn’t exactly part of that image.

Three days after the big abortion reveal, Addison had her first significant interview; the interviewer had been well versed in hospital gossip and politics and had made it a point to ask about Addison situation.

It had been a rather vulgar question to ask considering he was meant to ask about Addison surgical accomplishment, but Addison had refused to shield away from it, pregnancies and abortions were part of life; they were a part of her job in fact. She wasn’t going to give anyone the satisfaction of making her feel ashamed. 

Yes, Addison had an affair, and yes she had an abortion. It truly was as simple as that no one man woman or child should be forced to raise a child that they didn’t want.

Addison had received a lot of support from the pro-choice demographics of the population, and some hailed her as some modern-day feminist, but a lot more people had ripped into her including Kasey who come back to the hospital to tell Addison how much of a hypocrite she was. 

The word hypocrite had been by far the friendliest term in the fourteen-year-old vocabulary which was saying something.

Addison toughened it out because that what Montgomery’s do, they weathered the storm, face the public with their heads held high. Still, more importantly, they made a list of friends and foe during any personal crisis to repay the kindness at a later date. 

Friends like Preston, Richard, Mark, Karev, Torres and Stevens (surprisingly) the nurses on her ward and her other colleagues. Compared to her ‘enemies’ like half the internet, that nasty woman who’d tracked Addison down to the hotel to throw her drink on Addison and call her a murderer. Enemies like Derek… Derek was definitely in the enemy column there were no two ways about it, he was back to making Addison’s life hell, from serving her divorce papers (which she saw coming) to having the family disinvite her to the gatherings. 

Now that had been heart-wrenching it had literally stolen her breath out of her body to hear Nancy say she was unwelcome; as she put it ‘Derek won’t come if you come so…’ never mind that Derek had missed the last nine out of ten birthday parties, anniversary and just general celebration but yeah Addison was uninvited until further notice.

The knowledge that she was also losing a family as well as her husband had been the straw that broke the camel’s back, it had literally brought Addison to tears. Nancy hadn’t been nasty… well, she hadn’t been as nasty as she could have been given the situation, but just the simple statement of fact saying Addison was no longer welcome in her house had done something to her that none of the latte-throwing Pro-lifers hadn’t managed to do.

It hurt more than Derek giving her the cold shoulder, hurt more than the gossip and the smear campaign that had been started.

Being told she was unwanted by the Shepherd, people she considered family hurt more than Richard suggestion that Addison takes a few days off to sort out her life. Addison being her usual stubborn self had initially refused not wanting to give Derek the satisfaction but after Savvy found out and threatened to jump on a plane just to ‘be there for her and beat some sense into Derek’ Addison had no choice but to relent and go watch a game with Preston.

A game which had Addison trending once more but this time for the right reasons, in a case of happenstance or the universe, finally giving her a break Addison was in the right place at the right time to deliver a breach baby.

Addison knew that there was no way Preston could have planned it, but she was still suspicious of him (and the universe in general) right before the lady’s water had broken Preston was talking about things turning around for Addison.

Like the wind public opinion was a fickle thing, so Addison wasn’t letting the good press get to her head, she was keeping her head down and starting the divorce procedures while simultaneously ignoring the fact that Meredith smelt like Derek’s shampoo.

It was very subtle and hidden under layers of perfume, but like a smoker who thought they could conceal the fact they’d been chain-smoking with a piece of gum, Addison could smell the tell-tale signs of Derek’s shampoo on Meredith.

Ordinary Addison would have blasted this information far and wide; spilt Derek’s little secret (cause he was definitely keeping it a secret) but after the backlash, Addison had received she didn’t want to do it. 

More importantly, Addison was now living in a post-Derek world, and that included letting Derek do whatever, and whoever he wanted, she was officially moving on with her life.

Addison had created a whole new routine for herself now that her life no longer revolves around getting Derek to forgive her. She went swimming twice a week, had a therapy appointment twice a week, volunteered once a week and spent the remaining two days looking for a new place to live. She was tired of living in a hotel, and while having room service and a turn-down service available to her at the click of her fingers, Addison missed having a home. 

“You should wear your hair down or go back and use more make-up” Addison advised signing off on the last of her emails before she made her way to the monthly meetings.

“Excuse me.”

“You have a hickey on your neck,” she replied staring at the red mark once more, flashes of Derek kissing Meredith against the tree played in her mind yet Addison forced herself to remain calm and professional. “Either way your hair down or go apply some more make-up, that’s just my advice you can take it or leave it. Now the meeting is set to last for a few hours so feel free to shadow Dr Patel until I get back.”

x.x.

* * *

Derek watched Addison hesitate before stepping into the board room; she clearly hadn’t expected for him to be the first person to turn up.

She quietly walked over to the coffee station and begun making herself a drink, even with her back to him Derek could predict what was happening. First, she would add some brown sugar to the ceramic cup then add the coffee, take a sip or ten before refilling her cup again. 

“Morning”

“Morning” Derek returned stiffly, he didn’t trust himself to say anything more the urge to snap at her was still too big.

  
  


Addison turned to look over her shoulder to see Derek, to catch a glimpse of him from her prephial, “The lawyers have started the paperwork.”

He couldn’t do it, Derek still couldn’t look at her without feeling nauseous. “I asked them to, it’s been a month.” 

Addison had been pregnant, Mark’s baby had been in her the cells multiplying. She’d come back asking for forgiveness knowing, **_knowing_** that she had been pregnant with Mark’s baby.

There was never a chance with them, Addison was the gynaecologist who didn’t want children. There were list and spreadsheet, morning-after pills Addison even tracked her ovulation window just to make sure she never got pregnant. 

Then there was the time in Macchu Pichu when they run out of condoms, Addison had trawled through the tiny village they were at looking for the morning-after pill, she’d even been tempted to try a ‘herbal remedy’ the local say worked.

It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours, and Addison had lost her mind over the _possibility _of being pregnant, that was the moment he’d truly accepted Addison’s staunch desire never to have kids, to never get pregnant.

Then she had, she did it… Addison had gotten pregnant, and she waited, waited nearly two months to do something about it. 

She hadn’t been rushing around banging on doors looking for ways to stop the pregnancy, Addison had waited whether it was day, weeks or even months she had waited, had contemplated the possibilities of having a child.

Derek had gotten into thousands of argument with his wife over the topic; hundred of thousands and every single time she remained firm in her resolve Addison Montgomery didn’t want a child. She never wanted to be pregnant, she simply didn’t want one.

What she clearly omitted to add was ‘with him’. Addison didn’t want a child with Derek, she waited to abort Mark’s and was even struggling after the fact but with their baby. With theirs, she hadn’t even hesitated, hadn’t even blinked.

“Just answer me one question; are you happy?”

“With you finally out of my life, how could I not be?.”

Addison had spent the last month moving on with her life, making plans to live in a post-Derek world, yet each morning she woke up with his rings on her finger. She still wore them on her left hand, had worn them every single day since Derek gave them to her, “You should probably have these then.” 

Addison pulled both rings off and walked them over to Derek, placing it on top of his files, before taking a seat at the other end of the table. 

There was nothing more to be said between them.  


The rest of the day quickly went by every once in a while, Addison was shocked not to find herself wearing her rings, but she hoped she would soon get used to the missing weight.

x.x.x.x

* * *

“You have that face again.” Mark warned, he and Addison were sat in a booth at Joe’s trying to drink the week away. He was trying to drink the week away, she was nursing her ginger ale like it was the last drink of her life.

“At the risk of being sexually harassed, what exactly is my face doing?”

“You look lonely, melancholy.” 

“How can I be lonely when I have you?” Addison asked, playing along. Mark had really been there for her this month, part of it was him being a good friend and worrying that Addison would fall into some time of depression and the other part was because he loved her. 

He may be a born womaniser who was still sleeping with half the women in the hospital, but Mark Sloan loved her. She doubted that he was _in love_ with her, but Addison knew that he loved her, he wanted the best for her, wanted her to be happy. 

Mark hadn’t wanted to break the news to Addison like this but he couldn’t wait any longer, couldn’t let her find out another way. “You know, don’t you?”

Addison didn’t try to feign ignorance, if she knew about Derek and Meredith then, of course, Mark would know. Mark had known Derek for a lot longer than Addison had, the two men grew up together, they knew each other in and out. 

“She used his shampoo.” She replied explaining how she figured it out. “You?”

“I know what he looks like after he just got laid, I figure it wasn’t you, and it wasn’t anyone new, so it was the other mistress.”

“I’m just going to skip over the first part and ask how you the volunteering thing went.”

“Fantastic.”

“You hated every minute of it, didn’t you?”

“A soup kitchen, I had to have three showers before coming here, and I swear I can still smell the-”

“Hey you’re that doctor, aren’t you?” Some random woman walked and asked, Addison had been through this way too many times to be remotely bothered by having a stranger walking up to her with a glass of white wine in her hand. It was always a toss-up between a stranger offering her a drink or throwing it on her.

“I know I **look** like that doctor, but I am just a baker.” Addison sighed lying through her teeth. She’d taken to inventing different personas for herself any time someone recognised her; pretending to be a baker was the most relaxing one.

“Oh, I could have sworn…”

“Yeah you and half my customers; I woke up one morning, and people were telling me that I saved some baby’s life at a baseball game.”

“But I-” the stranger look convinced, but without actual confirmation, it was clear she didn’t want to risk potentially attacking/praising an innocent person.

“If you don’t mind my wife and I are just trying to have a relaxing drink after a very hectic week.” Mark cut in, turning on the charm.

“I, oh yeah. Sorry,” the woman clearly didn’t know what to do or say next so she simply turned and walked away getting swallowed back into the group she came from. 

Addison could picture her going back and reporting that ‘no it isn’t her, apparently this one just looks like that lady. She’s a baker of all things… her husband is hot though.’

“We could get out of here, go find someplace for dinner. 

“No, we are staying; I’m just…” 

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Staying here in Seattle, you can’t even go out for a drink without running the risk of come lunatic coming up to you and-”

“I’m not doing this for him” Addison clarified.

“Aren’t you? Do you know how worried everyone is, Savvy nearly cancelled her surgery to make sure you are okay? Bizzy called me, **_Bizzy_** the woman who tried to make your wedding all about herself called me asking how you were. You don’t deserve this Addie so stop punishing yourself, stop letting the world punish you and fight. Get angry, stop rolling over, stop accepting the crappy situation and-”

“A few years ago, I had to tell a woman that the baby she spent months nurturing, loving, growing in her body was dead, late-term miscarriage. We couldn’t find a heartbeat(it just wasn’t there), now this woman didn’t accept it. She made us get three different ultrasound machines, she didn’t consent to the surgery. We call her husband, we call psych at one point I even considered calling the lawyers and getting the court involved so I could remove…” Addison swallowed around the words. “My point is that this woman knew her baby was dead, she knew she came to the hospital wanting someone to tell her she was wrong. She fought and fought to the tired, bitter end for something that wasn’t there. In the end, she couldn’t accept it she ended up taking her own life… I have seen what being in denial does to people, and I don’t want that. I am accepting that my marriage is over so that I don’t end up killing myself trying to get it back.” That was Addison’s own personal mantra ‘accept that things were over’ to not fight for something that no longer existed. 

Derek could forgive the affair, he could, but Addison knew her husband there was no way he would ever forgive her for getting pregnant. They could move on and remain civil with one another, but deep down, he would always hold the pregnancy against her from now to the end of the line.

“Derek can sleep with Meredith if he wants, he could move to Japan if he wants, he can do whatever he wants because I am moving on too. My therapist asked me to imagine my life without Derek, and it sucks, it hurts, it fills like my heart is being ripped out of my chest just so someone could toy with it, but you know what… it doesn’t feel like death. Being divorced, being separated or whatever I am it hurts, but it doesn’t feel like death so I will take the win.”

“That your standard, to not feel like death? What sort of compromise is that?” Mark was genuinely trying not to judge Addison for her reaction giving everything she had been dealing with, but he felt disappointed by her reluctance to keep fighting.

“One that keeps me alive and gets me out of bed in the morning and that’s the most important thing, I’m going to keep on getting up, do my job and move forward with my life.”

“So is the no-sex and no drinking a part of life after Derek cause one I can kind of understand the other is completely unacceptable.” Mark teased returning to a lighter topic.

“I’m still not sleeping with you.”

“Good, cause I don’t plan on getting a wink of sleep, it’s been a month you better get on the bike before you forget how to ride.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

x.x.x.x

* * *

Derek wasn’t expecting Meredith to be waiting for him in the trailer tonight; she’d already spent last night with him, and they were trying to keep their relationship a secret. “This is a surprise.” Derek cheered placing the grocery on the kitchen table and leaning down for a kiss.

“She knows.”

“How did she take it?” Derek didn’t know why they had to hide their relationship, but if Meredith wanted to keep it a secret for a few more weeks then so be it.

“Not Christina, Addison. Addison knows about us. She asked me to cover up my hickey, she knows Derek.”

“... so she knows. It doesn’t change a thing, I still want to be with you, and I’m still getting a divorce.”


	10. Unhappy friends

The first Addison did when she got in the following morning was to ask Richard to assign Bailey onto her service for the next ten days. Ten days was coincidentally the number of days Meredith had left with Addison. 

Richard had looked confused and curious, but chose to believe that Addison knew what she was doing and allowed the sudden request.  Since then Meredith hadn’t been left alone with Addison, everywhere that Addison went the resident was sure to go, it was like that children song; Bailey was always a step behind Addison acting as a buffer and witness.  


These last few weeks had taught her that some people were quick to believe the worst about her.  


She never done this before doubted her teaching style, but there was more at stake now.

Addison just needed to survive the next couple of months without any more scandal or hints of impropriety to finally get what she’s always dreamed off.  


Her career was about to shoot off into the stratosphere in such a massive way that she would probably leave a hole on Seattle Grace once she took off.  


“Dr Shepherd, are you okay?” Bailey asked, shaking Addison out of her thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m great.” 

Addison felt a full swarm of butterflies butting up against her stomach in excitement, nervousness, hope and a lot of other emotions she couldn’t control.

The first step was ensuring that she did everything in her power to win Doctor of the year in the OBGYN field, and that started by taking on more cases and proving once more that she was the best of the best.

x.x.x.x.x.

* * *

While Derek got reacquainted with Meredith, Addison emerged herself in Seattle life. Derek kept hearing snippets of information about Addison, sometimes it was someone else talking about her, and sometimes it was Addison herself talking about her weekend plans or general plans for the future.

Like now Addison, Mark and Preston were a little ways off bickering about which intern to add to their paint-balling team. 

It was a charity event organised by the new hospital president, each group had to have six people made of at least one attending, one resident, one nurse and one intern.  


The chance to let loose and shoot each other with paintballs had turned the hospital into a madhouse with everyone scrambling to make their own team and win the hundred grand price money for their group’s chosen charity.

“Hasn’t anyone told you that it was rude to stare” Bailey commented sneaking up on Derek.

“I wasn’t…. I was just looking.” Derek answered casually.

“You weren't just looking, you were scowling because Addison is over there getting on with her life instead of being miserable like you wanted. I guess that you are starting to realise that your wife was the charming one, huh.”  


“I’m charming.”  


Miranda couldn't help but scoff at that statement, “Face it, the closest person you have to a friend right now is my intern and your boss. You lost all your charm screaming about Addison's reproductive choices at the top of your lungs."

"I apologised to her for that."

"Because the chief made you," Derek hadn't fooled anyone with a half-baked attempt at a public apology. The damage had been done, both to his reputation but unfortunately to Addison's as well, "Everyone saw a different side to you that day, McAss." Bailey said revealing the new nickname Derek had earned himself, the frequency in which people were using the new nickname was gaining traction.

"Miranda, I-"

"The only reason anyone is willing to give you a pass is cause it's obvious that you are hurting, and we just hoped that it was an isolated incident said in anger... But then again we all spent weeks listening to you calling her Satan so who knows maybe this is really who you are. Maybe, you are just the jackass who humiliates his wife in front of the entire hospital and see nothing wrong with that as long as you got what you wanted, right."

"I didn't-"

"Have you heard of the saying thoughts become actions, actions become habits."

"Sure." Derek nodded hesitantly wondering why she had just brought up something unrelated to the topic at hand.

"You have a nasty way of acting like you don't care about Addison, you may want to fix that before it turns into a habit that you can't break. Now if you would excuse me, my attending needs to be made aware of the results of some blood test."

Miranda turned, walking away and approaching the group to discuss the blood results for the patient upstairs.

x.x.x.x

* * *

"I'm telling you to just ignore it," Christina advised, eating as quickly as she could. Burke was letting her assist in surgery today, and she needed to be ready.   


"I can't, the rings are just sitting there looking so sad."  


"They are rings, inanimate object by their very definition they can't be sad."  


"Did I tell you that it's engraved? And he's moved it at least three times today." For a man who was so happy to finally have the 'adulterous bitch' out of his life, he sure seemed miserable staring at his wife's wedding ring.  


"Is she still on about this?" Karev asked, walking up to the table with Meredith. 

Izzie had been talking and texting about Derek and the wedding ring non-stop for the last twenty-four hours, if Karev didn't know better, he would have thought that she was hinting at getting married.

"Yep" Christina responded, rolling her eyes. Unfortunately, she was part of the new group chat that Izzie had created, it was mostly used to talk about the McShepherd's-Meredith love triangle without hurting Mer's feelings.

"Look at this point there's nothing we can do about it. Anyways I say it's good for her, moving on."

"Whose's moving on?" Meredith asked.

"She-Shepherd" Yang answered, "She gave Derek her engagement and wedding rings back yesterday, now Izzie is reading too much into it."

Before Meredith could react to the new or wonder why Derek hadn’t mentioned it last night Izzie came up with her another excuse not to stay.

"I've got to go, McAss is consulting on a blastoma this afternoon," Izzie stated, grabbing her plate and walking away. She wasn't storming off, but she wasn't sticking around either it's been like this for weeks on end. Anytime Meredith was in the same room as Izzie she would leave.

The table quietly tracked Izzy procession until she walked out."She hasn't even stayed at the house in the last few days."  


"She's been staying at my place for a bit," Karev answered the unasked question even though it was obvious to everyone there.

“Doesn’t she hates your place?”

“Not anymore, she's been dropping hints about moving in with me so whatever you did to her you're just going to have to apologise."  


Christina was nearly at her wit's end with this petty feud and not knowing what caused it. “Seriously Mer, please tell me that you didn't accidentally kill her pet goldfish or something,” she begged.

It showed just how far she’d come worrying about everyone else and their issues, old Christina would have not said a word hoping the issue would distract the others enough to give her an advantage.  


“I haven't, I didn't do anything.” Meredith protested. “I tried talking to her about it a few days ago, but she just ignored me and said she was going for a run.”

“You know if this doesn't get sorted; it's just going to be you and me right. O'Malley has that weird bond with Izzie and will take her side and Karev will follow his dick and choose Izzie as well."  


Alex shrugged at the assessment, it was partially true, he would choose Izzie over Meredith, and it wasn't all because of the sex either. "You're forgetting O'Malley's girl is definitely team Addison on everything, and she isn't exactly a huge fan of Mer because pip-squeak had that crush on her so that twice you'd lose him."

"I'm telling you guys, I haven't done anything to Izzie."  


"Look I get that all chicks are a bit crazy, but Izzie isn't like that if she's pissed off at you, it's cause you did something. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go get some good boyfriend points by listening to her talk about MCShepherds and how he-Shepherd is fondling she-Shepherds rings and being a McAss about everything." Karev informed, taking his sandwich and running after Izzie.

Karev had also done some growing, he mainly learnt how to be a better boyfriend and learnt to never ever ever bring his personal problems into the work place again.

"Okay, now that everyone's gone what did you do to Izzie, but Nair in her shampoo, bring back the demonic dog, insult her cooking? What?"  


"Nothing. I'm telling you I haven't done anything to Izzie."  


Meredith had been thinking about it for weeks now, and she still didn't have a clue what was going on.  


x.x.x.x

* * *

Weiss had achieved the unachievable and had managed to keep Derek and Addison’s impending divorce away from Savvy for the last five weeks.  


He hadn’t seen the harm in leaving Sav to her own devices for a couple of hours so he could pop back into work pick up a couple of case files and thank the partners for the being so understanding.

Weiss knew that the fight had been a big deal once the news broke, but he hadn’t banked on someone finding Savvy and tagging her on the video asking if she knew Addison.  


“I can’t believe that you kept this from me.” Savvy fumed pacing up and down their front hallway, she’d been waiting by the door for him to come home and refused to let him past until she received a valid explanation.

“Sav, you were having surgery it was more important than Derek and Addison’s drama.”

“Drama, DRAMA! They are getting a divorce.”

“And you were having SURGERY!” Weiss shouted, raising his voice to her level instantly regretting it. They weren't the type of couple to shout at each other just to resolve their issues  


“A boob job, I had a fucking boob job, so don’t use it as an excuse for not telling me that my best friend was going through hell.”

“It’s still a major surgery, and Addison didn’t want you to know.”

“She didn’t or you didn’t?” Sav accused knowing just how persuasive Weiss could be when he wanted to get his own way.

“We both didn’t. Addie's called every day following the surgery, and she still hasn’t told you.”

It still took another forty minutes of defending his decision and explaining why before Sav let him through.

“Have you seen the video?” Sav asked, settling into the breakfast nook.

“Addison asked me not to… but yeah I had a look.” Weiss had been tempted to find out just how bad the blow-up had been. “I’ve got some working on getting it taken down, I still can’t believe that happened.”  


“I can’t believe they are getting a divorce, they were getting there. What happened?”  


"At this point is probably for the best, we both know Derek wouldn't be able to forgive the pregnancy like he had the one-night stand." Weiss reached over and pulled Sav closer, he needed that hug, that reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere.

"But he managed to forgive her, he said-"

"And look how long it took him to do that. Addie moved across the country, gave up her practice, spent months ignoring Mark and did everything to try to make it work, and he was still sneaking behind her back with Grey."  


"But he stopped that, Derek said he loved her and that picture he sent." Weiss already knew she was talking about the picture Derek sent of Addison in the trailer surrounded by a disturbing amount of frying pans, flour and broken glass. "It was just like old times, they were Derek and Addie, Addie and Derek again."

Weiss got it, he understood why Sav was clinging onto hope, onto the idea that her Derek and Addie might still make it.   


It was still raw for her, she was in shock whereas he had five weeks to come terms with what happened.

"What are we going to do?" Sav asked, sounding lost and scared. It hit Weiss just as hard when he found out, but time had dulled the shock.  


"We can be there for her, and when Addie calls tonight, you can let her know that you know. And if Derek finally bothers to pick up his calls or reaches out, we can be there for him too... after you tell him off of course.”

Weiss might not be happy with Derek or any of his most recent behaviour but he wasn’t about to throw away close to two decades of friendship because of it.

“Do you think he's gone back to that intern?” Sav questioned. 

“I have no idea, I just know that pregnancy has always been a hot button issue for them.”

“Did you know that he had Nancy uninvite Addie to everything, told her not to come next month to the kids birthday party.”  


“Yeah, she told me. Wait, how do you know?” It wasn't something Sav could find out by googling, and he didn't think she'd talked to Addison yet.

“I reached out to the Shepherds and Amy took my call,” Sav said far too casually triggering every single alarm bell Weiss had developed over the years.

“What did you do?”  


“Nothing.” Again, she was trying to keep her tone painfully neutral while avoiding all eye contact.  


“Sav, this is serious. What did you do?”

“Nothing. I just helped Amy out. She told me that no one told _her_ what was going on as well, and by the time she found out Nancy had already talked to Addie and Addie had blocked all the Shepherds, so her calls weren't going through.”

“I'm more interested in what you did.”

“So you know how Addie gets when she thinks someone snubbed her, so she didn't answer any of Amy's emails and didn't give her a chance when she called her at work. Amy even tried calling Mark and Derek but apparently they’ve also blocked her, and her email was probably going to the spam box.”

“Faster” Weiss prompted dreading where this was going.

“So Amy was already going to use her vacation days to fly to Seattle and let Addie know that she (Addie) was still her (Amy's) sister.”

“Stop stalling.”

“It's nothing too bad, but I knew you wouldn't let me go and Amy was already planning to go, so I kinda chipped in and bought her a ticket to Seattle... for this weekend.”

“Tell me you didn’t.”

“Addie needs family, and a support system right now.” Sav said unrepentant, “So if it can't be you and it can't be me then it's got to be Amy, bonus points it's going to piss off all the Shepherds and make Addie happy knowing she hasn't lost everyone.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I appreciate any comments or reviews or just kudos. 
> 
> I am writing this mostly for me but I do acknowledge that there are some Addek fans out there after all these years.


End file.
